the journey between

I sometimes feel like I am bullshit. I struggle to expose the me between all the roles and viewpoints and insecurities and cages and I still can't find my way out of the goddamn rabbit hole. I've felt convicted as of late because even here, in my deliciously pseudo-anonymous blog land, I am still often unable to write what I really want to say. I'd like to blame it on becoming a mother - that my head is so full of daily needs and juggling several realities that I am too damn spent. But if I am fully honest, it started before. I struggle to express how I feel without considering how it might be heard. And that limits me, and my cage is growing smaller.

I am incredibly humbled (and a bit envious) by some of the achingly gorgeous nakedness I read over at A Doggy's Life and the always searing and witty writing over here
I Obsess . These. women. have. something. to. say. And they are able to express themselves so achingly beautifully that I sometimes want to weep and then convince them to come over and drink a bottle of wine with me. Or at places like here Her Bad Mother where women are able to succinctly debate issues in a way that might roll around in my head but that I could never do any real justice to on paper.

I devour these and more. And yes, I compare. I compare and decide that I do not always have as much to offer. That I've gotten lazy, that I've allowed myself to feel beaten and distracted and that I am unimportant as a voice of women. That's some heavy shit, but it's what rattles around in my brain. And rattles some more.

I feel like I've gotten lost a long time ago, and the way is uncertain now. And yet the girlchild part of me wants to find her way - often through seeking approval or making a superficial statement. Yet all of that is fundamental bullshit, because it's not really addressing what I am struggling through. The lack of definition, of purpose. Of standing bravely in front of my own shadow and claiming my place in this world, not for others, not because of anything, and only for me, as I am. And I still don't know the way, but at least I am offered some pretty fantastic examples. And I'll continue to work my way up to risking as we all go along, baby stepping it back to where I should have started in the first place.