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Every night around 8pm and after spiders and moon we say Ok, M, it's sleepytime to which she says Ok mommydaddy and waddles off to her room and climbs in her crib (it's ridiculously easy to put her to bed and why we won the nighttime toddler lottery I have no idea but don't be a hater) and once inside she gathers up her blankets and books and lies down and then proceeds to ask for strategically placed kisses on various body parts from each of us.
There is an order I do not understand to the process - where she ponders the placement and the kisser and will sometimes change her mind mid-kiss - pointing to her cheek: mommy, here - NO, daddy. Pointing to her nose: Daddy, here - NO mommy. The whole deal takes about 4 minutes and when it is over she rolls onto her side, tucks her sweet hands under her cheek, and blows us kisses as we walk out of her room and shut the door. (I already said not to hate me. Stop hating).
I stand in awe of this child and how she is able to singlehandedly remove my heart and bat it around and nibble on it and then toss it back all giggly and sticky. She completely crushes me. And for some reason it's so personal, and so incomprehensible that it is tough to talk about, here or otherwise. Even as I type I feel the self edit blah blah blah baby blah blah blah love. I can't stand feeling like a cliche so instead I don't say anything at all. I don't pretend to love my child any more than any of you. I am not telling you anything you don't already feel. But damn if it doesn't feel unique and singular and only.
This kid utterly crushes me. I am crushed.
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24 comments:
i can so relate to what you say. you always write what the rest of us feel but can't put into words! my son has such kindness at the heart of him it often moves me to tears.
But that's what it is: "singular unique and only".
I have an incredibly easy to bed kiddie, always have.
I always say that I've got sparkles in my eyes when it comes to my girl, because I die when I look at her sweet beautiful face and know that only I can see how insanely special and unique she really is. And that's ok, because even if you all don't see it, I know it's there.
ps. i love the photo of M.
The only thing i have to complain about in this post is the word "unexpectedly."
I worry for the kids whose parents do NOT feel this way about them.
Gush away. please, she is a treasure.
My daughter started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. You can hate me too.
And, here I thought I was the only person who felt that way! Amazing little critters, aren't they.
The other day I was at work, taking a break and I just got these intense pangs to see Piper. I started to get butterflies just thinking about her face lighting up when I will walk through the door and how we will draw together and how serious she will be about it. Then it hit me, "I am in love." This is how I felt when I was in love. Not complete without them. Every moment with them is a treat. Can't wait to see them again and again and it never gets old or dull or fades.
P.S. I don't hate. I have a child that actually comes up to me and asks to go night night. I thank the heavens each night for getting so lucky. And, you can throw in two cats as part of the good night kissing routine!
'Zactly. Well said. That picture. My god. That picture. Don't pictures like that make you want to eat their cheeks? Not really. But you know what I mean.
i know.
Words help to understand that love and yet words are blocking agents that can never express it adequately. My entire blog is an attempt to write that love and, hundred of screens later, I am not even close. Miss M says more in a single morning smile and greeting of "hey you," than I have said using words in my entire life. And that, my friend, is the beauty of it all.
And that picture. Oh that picture.
Having said all this, I can still hate you, right? My daughter hasn't put herself to sleep since that glorious week when she was 5 months old. She hasn't slept in her crib in months. We just returned from a vacation where the three of us had to share a DOUBLE bed. Miss M always sleeps sideways. Erg.
M is adorable.
I remember that feeling. When they were young and the littlest things would make your heart swell and burst. I wish I could still have that. Our kids are adults now and there is a quiet pride that has replaced the bursting-heart feeling.
I love the bedtime routine too - Bub goes all silly, and then suddenly turns the silliness off like a faucet to devote his full attention to his storybook. Then we go through the kissing-goodnight ritual, full of smiles, but as soon as the light goes out, he gets a solemn, concentrated look on his face - like he's gearing himself up for the task of falling asleep.
Hubby puts the Pie down most nights, so I don't have as much of a story about her, but she too is a sweetie - though nothing can compare, really, with that kiss-placement ritual of yours.
But even with two kids who go down cooperatively most nights, I still don't have the guts to take a photo like that - the months and months of rocking a stone-heavy Bub down when he was a baby has permanently inoculated me against anything that might possibly interfere with his sleep. And if Pie does wake up in the night, she doesn't cry - instead she just moans, "No, no, no!" in the saddest possible manner.
No hating here. Just love. All the time.
I like to think we paid our dues early on and now basking in the delight of declaring, "Time for night-night" and Joles drops whatever shes doing to gather her beloved creatures and stands by the crib awaiting the hoist.
M looks like a cherubim sleeping so peacefully.
I still get that lurch of love at times, even with my older children (21, 17, 13). It's not quite the same as the one you feel for a child who needs you, heart and soul, whose tiny warm body you can lift and hold and enclose in your arm, a child to whom you are the circumference of her universe; it has a different savour and emphasis - but it's still there.
Sometimes it makes me cry, it's so beautiful.
I love to read others' unexpected gushes about their kids, but I can't seem to do it about my kids. I feel like I should say every once in a while, "You know I love them, right?"
Oh, the complaining - it comes much easier. And, although I swear I was never a competi-mommy, I had the misfortune of meeting some unpleasant women in the early days, which pretty much turned me off of ever talking about my own.
But yes, I am forever changed. Stronger, vehement, determined. (Sounds like all the things about my daughter that vex me. Hmmm.)
I gush and am crushed. Seriously. It hurts how much I love my daughter sometimes.
M. is so lucky to have you! Children who grow up knowing they're loved have a much easier time in the world.
Ignorant question: How old is M.?
:)
Peace,
~Chani
I know what you mean. I too find it hard to write about. Everything I write sounds trite.
When my son was young and out of the crib, he used to mandate that I lie down with him as he went to sleep. I always fell asleep first and then was wrecked for the rest of the night. (Trust me, we'd tried everything to get him to sleep on his own.)
It only took six years before he slept through the night in his own bed. And he wonders why he doesn't have any siblings...
(and no, I don't hate you, but my memories are very jealous!)
that made my heart hurt in the best way possible.
Ok, so I hate you a little bit.
(Just kidding of course. I don't hold it against people if their kids are good sleepers.)
You're so right. It does feel unique and singular. And yet at the same time, now I understand other mothers, especially my mothers, and other loved ones' mothers.
it's funny how we all think it's so intense and wonderful in such a special, just-for-us way. and with our babies, it totally and completely IS.
That is tremendously sweet, the whole thing picture and all. That love stuff is heavy.
No hating (some hardcore jealous yes)- just loving that you can put that into words. the picture is just so precious.
So sweet. So crushing. Stunning.
Well,shit. You are in love and are expected to gush -really.
I love that pic of M all crashed out. Truly.
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