lameness is not a virtue

So it's like this: I've been failing boot camp. Not because of aptitude but because of commitment. I don't always go. I skip sessions. 6am is damn early, but I knew it was at 6am when I signed up. I am the boot camp black sheep; I get emails from the instructor asking me in a very nice way what the hell is wrong with me. I don't know how to respond because I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I used to be so committed to keeping my commitments. But lately I've struggled. I don't like that about myself but you know, it's true. I've said it. There. But the things I am letting go are things that are for me. I keep all the other commitments in my life. But the outings with friends, boot camp, bloggy book club (Kiki, dude, sorry). I can't seem to do it.

It's wrong, see. These small but important things are nourishment. But I can't find the energy. And I make excuses. And that is entirely lame. I want to do better than this, but the energy isn't there. And that's a vicious cycle, right? Because the energy comes from these things, these very good things we do for ourselves.

Make time, they say. Prioritize. You must. I know these things but it's not enough. I miss the dedication of my youth. I want to be the boot camping book clubbing produce eating girl. And yet the want is not enough to manifest the action.

Do I sound like I am whining? I hate whiners.