RSS Feed (xml)I don't know how to talk to my mother.
I feel terrible about this, equal parts anger, resentment and grief. I am at once a petulant child, an abandoned baby, a pain in the ass teenager, a floundering mama.
I don't know how to talk to my mother.
She's here this week and with J gone so is my buffer. It's been so many years and basically forever since I knew how to talk to her, how to let her in or how to even want to try. The years go by tick tock I waste them, I waste them and waste them and waste them.
I don't know how to talk to my mother.
I can tell you why. I can tell you she was angry, she didn't comfort me, that I never felt heard that I can't once remember feeling heard. I can tell you that three decades ago I stopped trying and I've stayed that way since. I can tell you all of this but so what. This is not about where I've been.
I don't know how to talk to my mother.
For so long I've imagined a mother, the one whose arms are open and who gives you a glass of wine and says there there baby there there the one who thinks I'm terrific just the way I am and is proud of me without ever wanting to change a thing. She smells great, this mother, and she likes to walk on the beach arm in arm. She wears big hats and cooks great batches of soup.
I don't know how to talk to my mother.
I see her with my child and she's good, she's so good I don't know her. She's so good I almost can't remember, so when she tries to criticize me for giving M a time out and I look at her, I look at her hard and I say at least I'm not yelling at her and she looks down and we don't say anything more than that and I am at once a petulant child, an abandoned baby, a pain in the ass teenager, a floundering mama.
I don't know how to talk to my mother.
So instead of staying up late and talking into the night I turn in early, night after night and I seek the solace of my room without ever really understanding why but knowing I've done this now for 30 odd years. I am emotionally stunted, my defenses are on high and my eyes dart around the room searching for an escape. So much of this is unwarranted now and yet I know no other way. I tell myself I'm still not ready and yet I don't know what I am waiting for but I'm fairly sure I'll continue to sit and let the minutes and hours and days and months and years slip slip slip away until there is nothing but a heaving pile of regret and a longing that will never be fulfilled. Others write of this with words I can barely read, the tears blurring my eyes as they look at the page, I lose focus and my heart hurts and I don't know what to do.
I wish I knew how to talk to my mother. And I wish I knew what I needed to say.
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55 comments:
there's still time
just do it
it doesn't matter what it's about
just TRY and open the lines of communication
she may surprise u
u may surprise u
and if that doesnt motivate
do it for M
Don't take it down. I think you'd be surprised how many of us feel that way. My mom wasn't a yeller but at 15 I told her something horrible that had happened to me. I was embarrassed and just needed my mom to be quietly consoling. She flipped and for years didn't treat me the same way; now I don't know if I can ever completely trust her with the things I feel sensitive about. I know how you feel. There's so much I don't say because I don't want to be judged, don't want its reaction, don't want to deal with what would happen next if I said it.
You are not petulant. The best way to get your answers is to continue being the wonderful mom you are to M.
Then perhaps you can start talking to her. You deserve a good mom. You did then, you do now.
I try so hard to get some things right that I feel like my parents didn't. And yet I find myself them completely sometimes, in ways I don't realize until the deed is done. Their hindsight & their regrets are valuable to me, though - for my mothering, for my perspective on myself. Some of it makes me bristle like a kid and some of is reassuring to me as a mom.
Maybe asking what she feels she did best as a mother and worst as a mother could be helpful, or at least revealing to you both. Maybe the origin of her criticisms would be clearer, and easier to take if she was given a moment to reconcile some of her own mistakes.
No idea if that's remotely useful, but I hope some new channel opens between you, and that it's ultimately soothing.
Oh, Jen. This post tugs at my heart, pulls it in different directions. On the one hand I, too, am thinking, "There's still time! Take this opportunity, seize the day!" - and you know why what it is in my life, as it pertains to my mother, that would pull me in that direction.
Yet I completely understand not being able to talk to your mother - for as close as my mother and I were, there was so, so much that went unsaid. And I also reached a point in my relationship where I stopped trying, and we went on as we were without every really drudging up the stuff that had sunken down, deep down, until we were running out of time. And even then, with so much other stuff swirling around, our conversations were veiled.
Pull this post if you need to, but I know for a fact this post will speak to people, it will touch people in a way that probably no other post of yours has.
I'm so glad you wrote this.
I know for a fact that many people feel this way and I for one, am more than a bit jealous of those who have those awesometastic relationships with their mom. I don't know what to do either Jen but I do wish I could hug you right now.
oh, sweetheart.
that piece, where you envision what an ideal mom would have been like?
yeah. me, too.
i really, really get this. only mine's no good with my kids, either -- maybe you could be grateful at least that yours is present for M.?
Yeah - your post resonates with me on so many levels. So many.
I don't know how to talk to mine either, and the time is slipping away.
And like Slouchy said - be glad that she's a good grandmother - it's a little thing, but a good one.
Be well, hon.
Could you ever tell her that you wish she would offer you a glass of wine and soothe you?
I have trouble talking to my mom, too.
Wow this one hit home for me right now. I used to have the wine and consoling type relationship with my mom, then she came down when baby 2 was born to help. I asked her to leave after a solid week of drama and fighting and she said things to me that will haunt me forever about my kids and the way I'm raising them and the choices I've made.
I couldn't even write about it because she reads the blog and since I couldn't process it by writing, I still haven't come to terms with it. We went from talking every day and now I hit Ignore when her number comes up on my phone. Our relationship is forever changed and it makes me sad and scared of how I will relate to my daughter.
Sweetheart. Is there any way you can show her this post? Maybe edit it severely and print it and hand it to her? I don't know...
But I do know, even as a person who has a good relationship with her mother, how complicated -- so damn complicated! -- the mother/daughter thing can be.
*sigh*
So much of this, SO much of this, echoes deeply for me. Thanks for saying it, because I can't seem to.
Things are better for her and I now at face value, but what you wrote here is the truth of us, at least for me.
Probably the only thing that really helps with this is coming to know your mother as a separate, fallible person. Setting aside judgement and just accepting that she is not capable of meeting your needs now.. You are different people with different values and different ways of life.
Something shifts when we're able to see our parents as imperfect mortals.
~*
Hey hon,
I never knew how to talk to my mother either. Sometimes I think that is the very definition of the word "daughter." I did love my mother, though. Love is a very good place to start. Even if the talking can never happen, the love can see you through.
i don't know your mother, so my presumptions are possibly incorrect, but... Generally
Mothers don't know how to NOT interfere or allow you to be a grown-up.
If I knew the secret to meeting in the middle...I'd totally share.
This entire post is so true for me too. But I know why I can't talk t to my mother, I'm too filled with hurt and anger and bitterness to see beyond anything. I'm trying, trying so hard, but my heart is so full of all of that, that I can't get my mind to move past any of it. I know other women who have the mother of my dreams, and I'm so jealous it hurts. It's just such a huge void that can't be filled.
It's also a constant reminder for me of the kind of mother I desperately want to be.
I am so in the very same position and it makes me afraid of my future with babygirl. I want a comforting mom and have had great relationships with older women who fulfilled that need, but it's not the same. Over time my mom has gotten even more emotionally guarded and closed off. My sisters realize it and we all wonder what happened. They are closer with her than I am, but it's still not enough for them or me. I am lonely for the relationship I see others having with their moms.
The only way that I've been able to cope is to believe that something (actually many things) have injured my mom through the years...and that makes me sad for her and allows me greater compassion. I don't think she chooses to be this way or even knows she is this way. We've made moves to try to be closer, but I have to realize that things are the way they are.
I find it remarkable you are so in touch with yourself given this distance, but maybe that is the reason why...
Hugs, sister, you are not alone. Maybe that's one reason this community is so important.
I don't think any mother (or person) can make up for the past. The "past" is subjective, and fraught with that projection stuff Flutter was talking about this week.
But is it possible to break away from the past to change the future? I don't know.
My own mother is a very difficult person who lives in denial of her behavior. She thinks that asserting her love is all that matters, even though she often fails to act in a loving way. My mother-in-law is very different, the most loving person I've ever met. I've learned a lot from her. She knows how to listen, she knows how to drink, and even though she doesn't make soup, she makes really great pie.
But my own relationship with my mother often holds me back from improving upon my relationship with my mother-in-law. I will always be the daughter my mother made me.
Luckily, I am not only, or primarily, a daughter anymore.
Eh, but since I seem to be concluding that there's nothing to lose, why not break the ice?
Why not write her a letter? Tell her that now that you are a mother, you have some insights into how difficult it can be, but that you love M so much and are so happy with how good she is with her.
Then tell her you wish things had been different and you want to talk to her more, tell her about your life, learn more about her life and her history, and find your way together.
I hate the idea of a life of regret; maybe she is waiting for you to reach out? This breaks my heart, not just as a daughter, but as the mother of one, too. The idea that I could do something that will wound my daughter to the point that she doesn't know how to talk to me.
I wish it didn't have to be so hard.
The past runs thick in our veins. Even when we are grown ups ourselves, it's hard not to revert back to the old patterns. I hope you find a way, friend. My heart hurts for you both.
Take it from me.
Take the leap. Throw back a shot of teqila. Whatever you need and talk to her. Even if it devolves into something you do not want. Just do it.
why?
Because sometimes we do not get another chance is why. i sound so cavalier i know. Like you must be saying 'dude, you are not here you don't know how hard it is, you do not know what I have lived....'
and no I do not.
But you wrote this and that means the Jen I know, the warrior Jen is looking for a way no matter how early she goes to bed.
It might not give you what you want, it might not turn out to be the tv movie of the week. But it is in the trying okay? it is the best you can do, the trying that is.
Wish I had something useful, or comforting, or profound to say. I don't, except that I'm so sorry.
I don't know exactly how you feel, but I resented my mother for many years. When I divorced, I spent a few years in therapy, and after I got done picking her apart there I realized that she is human, just like me. I expected her to be perfect, and of course she can't be.
I had to learn to see that everything she did, she did out of love for me, no matter how wrong it seemed at the time. And once I came to that realization, I just let go. I forgave her for not being perfect. I forgave myself for being mad.
And I started over. I tell her now the minute she is upsetting me, and she backs off.
It is so much better. And I love her so deeply it is hard to imagine I spent years being angry at her.
It makes it so important, doesn't it? That our daughters be able to talk to us?
I've read a lot about forgiveness, maybe that's a place to start?
ok, you guys are all making me teary tonight.
thank you for such a warm, strong circle. truly.
No advice, just a lot of compassion and shared emotions from over here. I hope you find a relationship in your new roles as parent and grandparent that works for you - and can leave the past experiences in the past.
(((hug)))
oh, I think Mad gets it right, that Love is the best place to start. And then, from that love, what is the next step you can take? the next millimeter that you two can move forward.
hugs to you both, because she probably needs them too
Wonderful post, truly! It's hard to seperate yourself from your mother, almost as hard as it is to seperate yourself from your child. You are a wonderful writer, maybe you could write her a note of your hopes and fears and then let it go.
i am surprised by the fact that so many of us seem to get this post on a visceral level.
and saddened, too.
i wonder if this is one of the reasons we are here, blogging, writing.
Contrary to you I find that I'm still way too open towards my mother. I keep thinking that she's my safe haven when in fact, every time I open up, and tell her something really important she will find a way to use that to hurt me. I have to remember to treat her like a distant aunt. But, of course, she doesn't like it. So, I'm telling her stories upon stories about my son, and daily routines, and nothing important.
It is sad in a way but right now I don't see a way of doing it different.
Sorry, I have no advice for you. But at least she's a good grandmother. Strangely. My mother-in-law was not a good mother to my husband but she's really sweet with our son.
Thank you for sharing this, Mama. Even though it's hard to articulate what it is you're trying to share.
I think when we become mothers, with all of the expectations we have ourselves, it causes us to look at our own mother in a different light. For me, that light shifted to being mostly bad to mostly good. There are still things I'd change if I could, but I've found a way to love her for who she is, or in spite of who she is. And I know I'm lucky there.
The thing is, your mom loves you ~ how could she not? Just like how could you not love M, no matter what kind of person she grows up to be? But just because you love someone, doesn't mean that you have, or have to have a perfect relationship. It also doesn't mean you can't try to make it the best it can possibly be, once you're able. I think it's all about finding common ground. And communication.
When you're ready, you'll get there. And the good thing about moms is that when you're ready, she'll be there too.
It's so hard to let go of old habits, old defenses. I'm lucky in that I like my mum but she still drives me crazy and I can't really talk to her. Part of it is her age and part of it is her generation. Dirty laundry was not aired in her generation, things were not talked about and she would rather not talk about things. Add to that a few small strokes which killed that voice inside her head that says, Maybe you shouldn't say that out loud, and it's interesting to say the least.
But I do know that my mum has always been in my corner.
What would happen if you talked to your mum? Wrote her a letter? Let her in? What would you lose?
Me too. There's such a gulf there, and I don't know how to bridge it. I'm trying, though.
Show her this post. It says it all. Or just tell her, flat out, I don't know how to talk to you.
I'm sorry. And I know how you feel.
Moms can be hard to talk to. Maybe if you offered the first glass of wine, she will offer the second.
"I wish I knew what I needed to say"
This is my problem exactly. You have a certain way of relating to someone that is okay enough and it is so hard to figure out how to change it.
This mother daughter thing, it is not easy.
Yeah, I hear you. My relationship with my mother will never be what I want it to be - she's not a talker and doesn't ever want to be close to anyone and won't acknowledge a lot of very horrible things that happened in her household and I've stopped breaking my heart waiting for her to suddenly open up to me.
oh, hon.
you know i'm feelin' ya.
and i wish i had something sage for you.
but maybe do try to let her in. some way.
some how.
let yourself be open and let her hear your words
thoughts and heart.
it might not ever be perfect.
hell, it might not ever be anything more than an attempt.
but at least it will be a try.
Did i write this post?
You may not know how to talk to your mother, but you know how to talk to your daughter.
I feel the exact same way...but about my father. Although, I have tried to talk to him, there remains such a divide, emotionally, that we are but sightly above superficial in our relationship. I am a great disappointment to him, and him to me. But he loves my boys, and for that, I can love him.
"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. Harriet Beecher Stowe"
How about saying to your mother, "I wish I knew how to talk to you. And I wish I knew what I needed to say, because my heart hurts."
It's okay if the moment is over. But you wrote about this, you are thinking this, the beginning? Writing about this seems like the first logical step.
30 years of doing may take some time to reset.
Hugs and kisses.
I haven't spoken to my step mom for nearly three years. This reminds me so much of that, the dysfunctional years, the yelling, the relationship I can't fix. Won't fix. Am saner without.
I will make you soup and walk on the beach. Anytime.
I try to have, with my daughter, the relationship I'd have liked to have with mine. I should like her to feel she could tell me anything but doesn't need to tell me anything and I'd accept it either way. It seems to work reasonably, because I think she'd be able to tell me if it didn't, but there's always the possibility that we're a bit careful about our relationship - that is, we know we work on it because we know we can wind each other up and we choose not to. But the trust is genuine, and the appreciation. Love, too, and now she has a daughter she has reached out to me in a new way too, which warms my heart.
Like everyone else, I really get what you say. My defences were high about my mother, but when I tried to lower them I usually wished I hadn't. She told me some things, in the last few months of her life when she knew she was dying, things that made me understand her much better, and I so wish I'd known them earlier because I could have comforted her. I could have told her that things she had blamed herself for all her life were not her fault and that she was treated outrageously as a hurt and motherless child. I did tell her, and she was surprised and looked at her early experiences in a different light, but it was too late then to repair the damage done to her.
I don't know what you could do, but I hope you find a way. Maybe by asking about her mother, trying to learn more about her? Maybe by praising her relationship with her granddaughter. Perhaps, since you are soon to go away, you could reminisce about good times in your childhood and reach out to her that way. I think that saying you can't talk to her or talking about your own needs might make her defensive and be counter-productive - I'm guessing, but I find that starting with the positive works better than anything else. So does a couple of drinks. But maybe that's me...
heavy sigh, such honest words jen. seems so many of them resonate on some level with so many women. why is that so? i too join the hands of this circle and say, i hear you. i too have a surface level relationship with my mom. though i don't know that she would think that. she seems to have intimacy blocks. i try to think like LMonkies about it, that somewhere along the way, her dreams weren't met and she just closed up. so for you, this won't happen, because you, kind soul, are learning how to honor your dreams all the while building some in your daughter.
hugs.
I am inexplicably crying right now.
Please show this post to her: it's a start.
How did you know this is my story, as well?
This is slowly becoming my story, too. The last few years my mom and I have slid further and further apart, and I've forgotten how to talk to her. I was never good at it to begin with, but I used to try, at least.
I love OtheJoys' letter-writing project. Such a beautiful idea. Sometimes letters are so much easier and more fulfilling than spoken words (and you get to keep them!). I can't imagine getting my mom to sit still long enough to write me letters. But maybe I'll ask. Couldn't hurt. Maybe you could ask your mom, too?
I walk this very same path and my way might not work for you but here it is - don't. Stop trying. Forgive her and forgive yourself and vow to accept what is. ANd just love her anyway. Believe it or not, that's when just a little bit of talking might happen.
I don't know how to talk to my mother either. I hate talking on the phone and I rarely visit. But recently, I have been writing to her... and that has opened up things a lot. Good luck to you. =)
One of my greatest fears is my daughter will grow up and have the same thoughts and feelings you have -- and that I once had. I wish you luck.
I have thought so much about this post since reading it a few days ago.
I've thought about my relationship with my mom, and also about my relationship with my daughter.
I've also thought about what advice I could possible offer to help you - you do seem to want the relationship with her.
So, the only thing I've come up with is... people are *so* not perfect. Your mom made mistakes, or didn't know how to deal with talking to you when you were young. If you want a relationship with her, maybe try to see her as a person, and not just a mom.
Talk to her.
I know how hard that is, but communication is the key to everything. Write her a letter, or as someone else suggested, print this post.
Sorry for the long comment, and my advice may not be what you are looking for, I just ... couldn't stop thinking about it.
Good luck to you.
-Katie
http://www.alikatcorner.blogspot.com/
I wandered over from "Oh, the Joy".
I wrote a post very similar to this months ago. For me, it was partly a white flag of surrender, because my mom reads my blog, and I just couldn't figure out yet another way to tell her that our relationship sucked (telling her wasn't sinking in). I got a lot of flack for that post. Scathing emails from people who said I was selfish and I'd be sorry when she was dead. Pithy advice from people who never had problems with their parents and didn't know what it was like to run up against a wall so thick and so high that the decades that had built it made it seem insurmountable.
For a little while after that post, my mom tried in her own way to bridge the gap. (By "tried in her own way", I mean "did virtually nothing at all but pay lip service to the things I'd said".) She's kind of a lousy grandmother, too, so at the end of it all, I realized we weren't going to get over this, but for my own sanity, I had to figure out how to accept it. I have a sneaking suspicion that the little girl I'm about to give birth to in a few months will be part of the puzzle. But that's all I know.
Long post short, I hope you find your answer. It may not include your mother, unfortunately. Sometimes we have to heal ourselves.
Wow, do I ever understand this post. And I'm so glad you wrote it. I reached my breaking point in 2000 and wrote my step-mom (the only mom I have) a long, brutally honest letter about how I felt growing up in her house, and how I felt about our relationship as adults. It was really, really hard to do, and the results were less than 100% satisfying, but it did open up the door to us having more of an honest and authentic relationship. I did this in consultation with a therapist. I'm hoping that someday you can, too. Much love to you Jen.
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