Thursday, August 17, 2006

young love and my broken heart

M came home day before yesterday yelling repeatedly "I love Nathan". Over and over. All night. Nathan is in her daycare. M is only 23 months old. Nathan's a bit older, maybe 26 months or so. My first reaction was "hell, yes, just like her mommy" and I promptly called some aunties and we spent a few minutes amusing ourselves that she's obviously my child, because she's already aware of a fine looking young man.

The next morning, M was singing the same ode to Nathan on the way to daycare. When we get there she runs into the room, spots Nathan, and squeals. She runs up to him and he turns and walks away. Not to be deterred, she grabbed my hand and brought me over to him, where he turned and walked away again. She turned to follow, and tripped. I swear to god she looked around to see if anyone (him) saw her fall. She looked around shyly and wandered away.

My heart promptly broke in two. I don't know what I was imagining, perhaps the two of them toddling off to the sandbox hand in hand, old souls reconnected...but I wasn't picturing this. I am not ready to see my child rejected. I am not ready to see her putting her beautiful and perfect heart out in the universe and not have it held in the most supreme order of righteousness. I am not ever going to be ready to see my child hurt.

Please know that I know that this is all about me and my projections. M probably was looking around for what tripped her, and this is a game she and Nathan play all day long. They probably spend hours gazing into each others eyes and playing with trucks. However, in that instant my heart broke. I want to do anything in my power to protect my baby girl from pain. I want her to only know light and love and joy. And I know I can't promise anything. I know she'll grow up and feel left out, disappointed, and heartbroken. And I will bear witness, and I will do my best to lift her up and always remind her how achingly perfect, beautiful, worthwhile, and important she is. And how she can kick ass. And how she is so deeply loved.

But I can't protect her from growing up. And my heart aches, and the tears spill freely. And I have never felt more like a mother.

1 comment:

Dawn said...

Oh honey. You're projecting. Having worked with this age group, they will focus on good friends, and then bite the shit out of them. Emily and her best friends routinely bit, hit and scratch each other ( male and female). They're like puppies still. Establishing themselves in the pack