Tuesday, November 21, 2006

deep breaths

M is pretty sick right now. Borderline driving to the emergency room sick.

She had walking pneumonia a few weeks ago, got better (or so we thought) and came crashing down today. Her breathing is so labored, I was almost in tears letting the nurse listen to her over the phone before finally collectively deciding we can wait till our appointment first thing in the AM, but only if it doesn't get worse. If it gets worse, we head to the ER.

It's one of those nights where you walk on eggshells, checking on her over and over, sleeping in her room on the floor in shifts.
It's one of those nights where you realize you've taken every healthy day for granted, and how you have no real idea of what it is like to worry for your child. While intellectually I know she'll be fine, it's still one of those nights and it won't stop till I know she's better.

So instead I take a moment to pour a glass of red and turn to all of you, and share a picture of her with lungs strong enough to blow bubbles.

It's one of those nights where everything feels a bit scary, when I realize how small we all are, how I am completely wrecked by love for my child, and yet how powerless I can feel if something is wrong.


Penny said...

"...how I am completely wrecked by love for my child..." What a perfect line to sum up the experience.

I feel for you, Jen. You have my prayers for a safe evening and hoping you get some sleep and that your little one improves over the night.

It's terrible to see your child laboring through illness and there is always the vague feeling of fear-accompanying helplessness, as you do everything that you can and leave the rest up to faith.

That is an absolutely gorgeous photo of your little girl! What a treasure! And, she is blessed to have the love of a mother who is a woman gifted with the selfless love for so many other mother's children grown or otherwise.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jen - I am up late cooking for Thanksgiving and thought I would check in with my blog friends to kill some time -I am so sorry to hear about M! That helpless am-I-worrying-to much-oh-wait-am-I-not worried-enough DOES SUCK!

My wish for you is that M makes it safely to the morning, and that it is something easily diagnosed so you can rest easy tomorrow night.

That is a wonderful picture - she is a little doll! Drink a glass of vino for me, girlfriend, and take it easy.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my precious, you know I know how you feel. And how your heart breaks each moment while you worry. Here's sending you and M. lots of wonderful thoughts and good energy.

Savor that glass of vino while I raise my bad southern girl bourbon your way!


carrie said...

I know exactly how you feel and my thoughts are with you for a quick end to what will seem like an endless night. Here's hoping things have improved by morning for you and your beautiful, bubble-blowing daughter!


Anonymous said...

Sending much healing energy to M.. and to you as well.

What a beautiful picture! :)



Anonymous said...

This is so scary. I wish you all well.

acumamakiki said...

Oh Jen, I'm sorry and I hope that baby M is doing better. I worry so much about my girl even when she isn't sick. I'm sending healing, get-well thoughts for your girl. Keep us posted

KC said...

The great thing about children is their incredible resiliency. On my pediatric rotations I was amazed by this. But I couldn't do pediatrics despite loving it. Watching the torment in the parents was too much for me. Worse, those children whose parents weren't tormented. (the heroin-babies in the neonatal intensive care unit who never had a visitor.)

Hugs to you. She will be blowing bubbles faster than you know it.

Jo said...

I hope she is feeling better by now, Jen. I've been there. My oldest has severe asthma and, too many times when he was young, I stood over him listening to every laboured breath. It's terrifying. I gotta say though, if you're ever concerned about your child's breathing, ER is the way to go. Don't wait. We had a close call once when my son was just an infant. Now, if breathing is a concern, we go.

Anonymous said...

Oh! There she is, your darling.
I hope you all got some sleep tonight and the morning brings a better day.

mrs. incredible said...

OH, sweetie-pies. I hope she feels better. To me, it sounds like she would benefit from a breathing treatment. It might not be the solution, but certainly relief for that little beauty. The next time you speak with your ped's maybe ask about it.
I do hope that she is well soon. I welled up with tears, knowing full-well how you're feeling. And your description of 'lungs strong enough to blow bubbles'.
You are such a wonderful mommy. And I do send healthy vibes M's way. (and seriously ask about a breathing treatment).
Jeez - you'd think I was a nagging mom ;)

Anonymous said...

It's so hard when our babies are sick, especially because it often feels like we're guessing when trying to determine how sick they actually are.

I hope she starts to feel better quick. I'm sure she'll be blowing more bubbles in no time.

(She's lovely by the way. ;-)

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

All my good wishes are wending M's way. Breathe, beautiful girl, breathe...

Deezee said...

the heart pangs of parenting...ouch.

and I hope you made it comfortably through the night and she is now on the mend...again.

these scary moments do teach us gratitude, don't they?

be well......

Anonymous said...

Oh, Jen. I'm so sorry. There is nothing more heart wrenching than a sick child. Hope all is better now. Healthy vibes you way...

Anonymous said...

god, i so feel for you. my son was premature and was in a neonatal unit for a bit. he had to have lines into his tiny hands and my overwhelming instinct was to bite the people who did it even though i knew it was to make him better. and bite - not hit or shout. it made me realise we are a hair's breadth from animals where our children are concerned.

huge good wishes to you all.