where she unexpectedly gushes

Every night around 8pm and after spiders and moon we say Ok, M, it's sleepytime to which she says Ok mommydaddy and waddles off to her room and climbs in her crib (it's ridiculously easy to put her to bed and why we won the nighttime toddler lottery I have no idea but don't be a hater) and once inside she gathers up her blankets and books and lies down and then proceeds to ask for strategically placed kisses on various body parts from each of us.

There is an order I do not understand to the process - where she ponders the placement and the kisser and will sometimes change her mind mid-kiss - pointing to her cheek: mommy, here - NO, daddy. Pointing to her nose: Daddy, here - NO mommy. The whole deal takes about 4 minutes and when it is over she rolls onto her side, tucks her sweet hands under her cheek, and blows us kisses as we walk out of her room and shut the door. (I already said not to hate me. Stop hating).

I stand in awe of this child and how she is able to singlehandedly remove my heart and bat it around and nibble on it and then toss it back all giggly and sticky. She completely crushes me. And for some reason it's so personal, and so incomprehensible that it is tough to talk about, here or otherwise. Even as I type I feel the self edit blah blah blah baby blah blah blah love. I can't stand feeling like a cliche so instead I don't say anything at all. I don't pretend to love my child any more than any of you. I am not telling you anything you don't already feel. But damn if it doesn't feel unique and singular and only.

This kid utterly crushes me. I am crushed.