Tuesday, February 06, 2007

timing is everything

Wow. You should know I read and re-read all of your comments and felt so much better. If for nothing else, to know I am not alone and there is a place I can go and say these things and have them received in this way.

Invaluable. Thank you.

And then, the ever so lovely De said: I'm not responsible for another person's emotions, even when I am responsible for everything else about that person, including helping her understand and appropriately demonstrate her emotions.

And fireworks went off. This is exactly my problem. I FEEL responsible. And what a concept, De, to back down off that box and take a breather. I can't make everyone happy. All I can do is keep showing up. And lean on others when I need to.

I've had a whirlwind couple of days. Something I want so very much is brewing, but I think it'll take another week or so to sort itself out and it will either be the most amazing thing I've ever experienced in my life, or life will go on as usual.

And in a week, I'll be sitting in an El Salvadorian cafe drinking an ice cold beer and most likely missing M. The blessing and the curse of having your heart walk around outside of your body. It hurts when it's not there. No matter how many irregular heartbeats it causes.

Ironic, that.

23 comments:

kristen said...

'The blessing and the curse of having your heart walk around outside of your body.'

I love this.

QT said...

Lovely jen - I am thrilled that you have found some peace of mind, even if it is temporary.

If this were a perfect world, I would be having a beer with you in El Salvador, you know it.

mamatulip said...

'The blessing and the curse of having your heart walk around outside of your body.'

Ah, so true. So true.

NotSoSage said...

Well said. Here's wishing that things work out. You're so incredibly deserving of it.

And is it bad that I feel a little sad that you leaving for El Salvador means, most likely, less frequent updates? Don't let that stop you, though. ;)

ecm said...

Your ending is beautifully writtend. I also loved the line " The blessing and the curse of having your heart walk aroud outside of your body" Beautiful.

Mad Hatter said...

There is wisdom in the De.

carrie said...

I felt the same way when we vacationed. The first couple hours (okay, days) were rough, missing the kids, but there was a glorious middle time when I could actually relax and unwind (which was desperately needed at the time) until the last day when I started missing them again.

Knowing M is in capable and loving hands will help and I wish you and J all the best El Salvadorian ice cold beer ever!!!

Carrie

And like others have echoed, that having your heart walk around outsied your body is so true. I heard that experssion years ago and it still ressonates so much. Always will, I assume. :)

Thailand Gal said...

Even though I can only speak to it theoretically, De's comment was right on to me as well. It's good policy to know what is our "stuff" and what is someone else's "stuff". All you can do is provide guidance and teach her some coping skills.

I also read everyone's comments multiple times. They're very helpful, enlightening and they often teach me something I need to learn.


Peace,

~Chani

hel said...

I'm so glad I found your site. I always learn something.

This post reminded me that blogging is about sharing.

Yesterday I had my performance appraisal and my project manager said to me. "You do realise it does not always have to be perfect."

And fireworks went off:)

Have a beer in El Salvador for me just in case I do not make it there this lifetime...

Jeez. Blogger is making me work tonight. This is my seventh attempt at publishing a comment.

crazymumma said...

beer. sun. El Salvador. Do you need a baggage handler?

I'm glad you feel better about the challenges. There was much sage advice in those comments.

Deezee said...

Yes, I will jump on the band wagon and applaud the beauty line others have highlighted. I like it could be on a plaque somewhere. (I do not jest.)

Hope your travels offer splendid adventure and relaxation...

Laurie said...

I am so glad you are going to get a chance to get away. It is also good news that you've found some peace as far as M is concerned and I hope that whatever it is you are hoping for becomes reality.

Bill said...

I feel i must let you know how much I enjoy reading your postings and look forward to seeing more. Please take care and have a good day. Bill

meno said...

That De is a smart woman. I think i'll listen to her advice too.

Jenny said...

Damn, damn, damn. You needed help and I missed it.

Not that I would be much help. I'm struggling with the same thing. Actually, reading your comments has given me motivation and encouragement. You ask for help and I reap the benefits.

How unfair.

Lucia said...

Oooh. Salvador. Eat a yummy papusa for me! And go to the beach if you have the time.

Ruth Dynamite said...

It's hard being the mom, and saving the world, and dreaming your dreams. But it's so incredibly wonderful at the same time. Hang on. It ebbs and flows.

Momish said...

I too read and re-read comments. It is all part of the amazing blogging experience. Glad to hear you have found a second wind, so to speak.

Beer. El Salvador. Jealous.

Denguy said...

Yes, and I believe irony goes well with beer.

liv said...

yes. de is a brilliant gal. i too am headed out of town sans enfants and it seems great right now, will make me sad on the drive, i'll forget for a while when i'm twisted up like a pretzel, and then when it's me in my hotel with pangs of sadness over not being able to smell freshly shampooed hair and little pajama-d bodies, i'll know it's time to hit the road again. back home.

flutter said...

I love you, Jen. Your love for your daughter, evident even in your utter frustration is beautiful and so so so relevant.

Beer in El Salvador, wine in my backyard.

KC said...

Fingers crossed. Hoping, hoping.

xo

urban-urchin said...

I remember the first time i heard that about 7 years ago "Having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body." It is so much that....

You will have a wonderful time, and having the opportunity to miss M is not a bad thing- recharge your batteries and come back with an even more profound love of your daughter.