pinwheels

I went to a bar last night after work with some friends to celebrate a co-workers new job. As I looked around the table it struck me that I was one of the oldest people there and the only one with a kid. Their lives revolve around work, friends, travel, freedom. No one but me was watching the clock anticipating missed bedtimes and an overloaded partner, the hours between now and sleep and waking up to a toddler whacking you in the face. They talked about sports, dogs, beer, music. It felt foreign and comfortable all at the same time, like songs from the old eight track I keep under my bed. I looked around the bar and noticed all the other hipsters, drinking and carefree. And I thought for a minute about my old freedoms and my newer restrictions, my messy kitchen and toddler dervish.

Singlehood has left the building. The invisible velvet cord tightened around my waist and as I watched the pitchers empty I realized that I wouldn't want to go back if I could. That doesn't mean I don't miss the fast lane, the dates and spontaneity, the bars and the heat. But I also don't miss the obsession I had with myself. I used to think I was so important, that my incidentals were the crux of it all. But when a child is in your balance it's no longer about you. It's about bedtimes and special blankets. Milk in the fridge and sandy shoes.

And I am more and more okay with that. As my friends spoke in lilting and foreign tongues I turned my ear to catch it, to smell the Saturdays I can't quite recall. And then I realized the truth: I have a secret and I can't share it with them until they know it for themselves. For better and better it changes you. My expansiveness startles and settles all at once.

And there is no pub crawl that can satisfy me now that I know what I know. I was the first to leave amidst muffled ribbing for leaving so soon, for being so practical. For not having one more. And as I walked the city streets back to my car I noticed the others in fancy restaurants and outside patios enjoying a warm summer night carefree and alive. And I smiled to myself as I went because I finally understand where my place is in this world.