anal retention

Eventually we are going to have a composting toilet. In theory I'm all for it, no need for a sewage system, tremendous water conservation, a source of natural compost. In practicality I'm a bit grossed out. I mean, how does it work? More importantly, does it smell? Most importantly, who cleans the shit out? Let's review the facts thanks to the good people at Composting Toilet World. My corresponding thoughts in italics.

Their website says composting toilets work by providing a enclosed environment for the natural process of aerobic decomposition. This is a really nice way of saying your shit lays there in a bucket. The same type of environment on forest floors which decomposes wildlife droppings and converts them into valuable nutrients for the vegetation to use. This is in reference to Bambi shit, because Bambi has NO BUCKET. Bambi also doesn't have to clean the nonexistent bucket. The forest does the work. Good forest. There are many different designs of composting toilets, but all carry out this basic process of aerobic decomposition.

Design variations enhance this process (what process? the shitting process? is someone on hand to bite my neck or blow in my ear?) and they include:
• air baffles for distribution of air into the pile baffles? is it like a day spa for your shit?
• heating units to keep the compost at the best temperature for when your shit is cooked.
• injected air for increased decomposition when you have to shit and run.
• mixing tongs to ensure full decomposition throughout the pile for those of you shit stirrers out there. or for a delicious shit salad. you decide.
• the addition of composting worms and macro-organisms seriously? you can actually feed your own shit? Will it thank me?

As you may notice from the website, some composting toilets look basically like any other toilet and others look like a bucket. Or rather, they are a bucket. But the main thing is there is no water to flush with. So while you can shit in a rather normal fashion, it's after that has me curious. I mean, what do we do with all this shit?

More educated and enlightened folks prefer to call this piece of the puzzle Humanure. You take your shit and put it in a heap with other organic materials and turn it into compost and eventually plant it in your garden. Gross, right? I mean, WOW, natural soil! Sweet! It's a source of much debate at home, with J saying 1.8B people in the world do not have running water and me saying yeah but if we are environmentally friendly in every other way can't I get a free pass and he says no this is important and I say next you'll have M send her leftovers to China to which he responds you and the toilet will get along famously. Great, now I'm dating my new composting toilet.

In the end I have no doubt I'll warm up to the idea and besides really I have no choice. In my brain it makes sense but my lily white ass still needs a little catching up.