behind curtain #3

M has become preoccupied with dying. We have no idea where its coming from, no one we know has died nor has she suffered a loss. But regularly, as in daily she says mama, i really don't want to die. When she says that a little part of me actually does feel like dying, her earnestness and questioning is entirely beautiful and it slays me. So we'll talk about it a bit, what dying is and how it's as natural a part of life as anything else. About how we hope that we'll all be together for years and years and years until any of us dies, and that she has a long life ahead of her first.

But then she'll ask but what happens when i die, do i get born again? Ah, baby. Your grandma would be so proud I think to myself. But explaining this to a near four year old is hard. Honey, none of us really know what happens. Some people believe we become angels or that we go to heaven, in fact if you talk to grandpa and grandma that's what they believe. Some people think we will return to earth again, and some think nothing happens at all. I don't know the right answer, no one does for sure because we are all still alive. So what we get to do instead is make sure we have the best life we can, we make sure we make every single day count.

How do we do that? She askes me then. By loving each other as hard as we can. By being fearless and by helping others and our planet and saying yes as much as possible.

And hugging. We should keep doing lots of hugging, she says.

Absolutely, baby girl. Hugs are at the top of the list. Your daddy and I don't have all the answers but we can promise we'll be right here with you trying to figure it out, okay?
That's good, mama. I like that. Let's do that.

And it shatters me, this conversation. Every single time it shatters me.