A master's thesis on the use of profanity as a literary device

My girl Christine wrote a guest post for me a few weeks ago when I was drowning but our lines got crossed and I didn't get it till now. Thank you C, you had me cracking up over this. Read on and you'll see what I mean.

I am a cusser.

My personal foray into the land of the profane, began at a very early age when I turned to my best friend's mother and asked: "Will you stop being a twat?". Now mind you, at the age of 7 I had no idea what twat meant, nor was I really prepared to find out. OH but DID I EVER. With diagrams. Twat quickly fell out of my vocabulary.

My mother, bless her cute little soul, comes from the direct opposite camp of verbal expression than I. The harshest words you will generally hear come out of my mother's mouth are "hell" and "damn". They are usually structured into a sentence something like "Christine, that mouth of yours is going to damn you to hell!". She is enormously sensitive to bad words, and she may be just a little adverse to, oh, I don't know....taking Jesus' name in vain. Once, when my mother came to visit I had to work, so my fiance took her sight seeing. Somewhere in the midst of driving someone cut him off. Knowing her meltdown ability at strong language, he exclaimed "Jesus Christ!".

My mother, sensing her chance to save him from the lightning bolt that was surely about to slice the car in two, jumped in "Is Lord, praise him!!" without missing a beat. Needless to say, my blue streak does NOT come from her.I am the only living person that has ever made my mother so angry that she spelled out a curse word. In my completely tame (ie totally out of fucking control) teen years I shook my mother to her core. In a fit of rage, rarely seen in the females of the species my mother's fists balled up and she spat "S.H.I.T and I mean SHIT!!". This singular expression lives long in the annals of our family history. One year that was all I left as a greeting on her answering machine for her birthday.

My particular favorites are varied depending upon the occasion, and I reject that cursing is a sign of an inferior intellect. I mean, anyone who can weave together such lowbrow expressions into something solid, descriptive, and artistic? Well that's just amazing as shit. A well placed "Asshole!" along with the brandishing of the traffic finger? Better. Than. Booze. Calling someone a douche? Classic teenage name calling, taken to a transcendant level. Slipping a "fuck" in, under the radar? Come on, people, that is the stuff of legend!

Like when someone once said I was a pain in the ass to deal with and I smiled, and replied "That's a shame, you're a pleasure. Fuckyouvery much and have a wonderful day!" Does communication GET any better than that? Does it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPlfDIcjrVI

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."-Anais Nin