Sunday, November 23, 2008

down the rabbit hole

So much of what I do now has the preface of the last time we do....whether it's the holiday meal we shared last night with friends to getting my hair colored by the woman I've been going to for the last decade.  Silly stuff and not so silly, all of it has an import I can't really understand and yet am desperate to recognize.  

Simply, the countdown is on.

I am leaving my work mid-January (for sure this time, date set and time certain) and we've given notice on our little house.  Our belongings are slowly disappearing and yet every so often we look at each other thinking what the hell are we going to do with all of this stuff and shake our heads in wonder.  

I'm watching M, she's starting to absorb some of this on her own, the latest is her loud declaration that she better never get bit by a mosquito.  I look at her and hold her, baby, we are going to get bit.  I'm sorry, but we will.  And it will be OK.

Our plans continue to emerge, we have a number of friends and family who are eager to make the drive to the jungle with J, they see it as an adventure and I see it as a necessary appendage of strength in numbers while navigating two border crossings and the entire length of Mexico. It's an adventure I'd rather be a part of yet recognize the impossibility of subjecting M to such an expedition so we girls will stay in the states and fly down once he's there (and has presumably figured out how to ensure we have hot water), a long shot but one I'll be ever hopeful for till the reality of the ice cold water hits my face.

As I peer into the void the path is long and dark.  I see questions everywhere and answers are cloudy yet we are primed to leap.  At dinner last night a new friend, one who immigrated from third worldedness himself learned of our story and looked at us in dismay, our journey a backtracking of his years of work to make the USA his home.  But why, he asked and as we told him ever aware of the naivete of our words and he slowly nodded his head.  Formally he replied Well then, I wish you luck.

I'll take it, I think and we'll need it.  The adventure continues to trump the unknowns even as I cling to what I know, prying it gently from my fingers on my way down.

Bookmark and Share


QT said...

I've said it before, but I think it bears repeating - of course you are scared. It is an emotion that exists to protect you.

But what happens when you feel scared? You go back over the plan, you discuss the details, you do as much as you can to prepare.

Of course there will be unknowns, there will be questions, there will be surprises. But this is a grand adventure, and you expect that.

You are as prepared as you can be, my dear. Now all that is left is the doing. And there is no right or wrong way for this to turn out, there is no guaranteed path to success. You will have succeeded in our eyes the minute you get on that plane and walk away from the known.

Hugs for you, my sister. And know that you will see a friendly face sometime in March...:)

Redneck Mommy said...

My gramps used to tell me that fear is just the next step on the ladder of success.

This is your ladder, darling. You and your family's. No matter which way the wind blows you are already successful.

Don't forget that.

I love you. See you soon.

G said...


full circle

gotta love that

but seriously

hair coloured?

i would never have guessed

be thankful ur not taking the drive

los mexicanos should get priority seatin for the journey

can't wait to see y'all

i hope the far north coast won't be too much of a distraction

on your stairway to heaven

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I will always be in awe of you. Not just what you're doing, but of you. Does that make sense?

May you find everything you're searching for.


luckyzmom said...

I wondered if M may have invisioned mosquitos as larger than they actually are?

I loves me some adventure and wish you the best on your adventure.

Defiantmuse said...

G said, "I should stop leaving Jen comments when I'm high". lol.

But, for real, we're stoked y'all are doing this. For reasons beyond the completely self-serving fact that we'll have another sweet spot to visit :)

You're a warrior, dude. You're going to kick some serious dirty-footed, mosquito-bitten, bean-and-rice-eating, jungle ass.

See you SOON! xo

meno said...

Easy for me to say, but i am so looking forward to hearing about it all.

Magpie said...

The dichotomy between the girl with the colored hair and the jungle warrior gives me a frisson of je ne sais quoi.

Good luck from this quarter too.

Ally said...

Funny that we're all stuck on the hair coloring bit. That struck me, too. The bittersweet image of you doing it for the last time. And M's fear of the mosquito bites... I have to admit that would be one of my fears, too. I hate bites. Sigh. I'm rambling. Good luck Jen.

jen said...

Highlights, people. I like highlights. Although one time I did go fire engine red. But only once.

crazymumma said...

I have not been around much love. I had a bad case of upmyassitis.

I still wait for you to write this post saying haha! We were only joking!

What a grand adventure you crazy people you. Good crazy.

Anonymous said...

please tell him to be very careful driving through mexico these days.

Beck said...

I totally get being scared - whoo, do I ever - but it's also EXCITING. I can't wait to read about it.

kgirl said...

The beginning of an adventure is always scary - remember pregnancy?! You guys will be jungle pros in no time, and think of how proud you can all be.

hele said...

All I can think of tonight is that sometimes you have to loose yourself to find yourself.

And that finding the courage to follow your dream is a very precious gift that few receive. I truly belief it is not about where you land - it is the enormous energy you generate by leaping into the unknown.

And if ever you feel the urge to to leap again there will always be somewhere magical to land.

And mosquitoes are not so bad. As I sit here I can hear them zooming around but I have a wonderful citronella spray (that is also safe for kids) which makes me smell so bad to them that they keep away. Email me your address and I'll send you some*

patches said...

Dates are good. Plans are also good. Me? I have faith you an J will make this happen and make it work.