is right around the corner. I gleefully hand over my passport and then things take a turn for the worse.
Mountie #1: What is the nature of your visit?
Me: Visiting a friend.
Him: How much did you pay for your ticket?
Me: Um? Well. I think it was around $XXX. I had to change the flight, I was sick, see and...
Him: Who are you visiting in Canada?
Me: Tanis. (Shit. I. Can't. Remember. Her. Last. Name.)
Him: Where does she live?
Him: How do you know her?
Me: Um, well we both blog (eyebrows raise) and we became friends.
Him: Over the internet?
Me: Well, yes but it's not as weird as it sounds.
Him: What do you do for a living?
Me: I work in non profit.
Him: What was the temperature when you left the USA?
Me: Seriously? Um, 45 degrees? Shit. If I get it wrong, do I go home?
Him: Why are you only here for 24 hours? That doesn't make any sense.
Him: Picks up the phone. Mutters. Hangs Up. Mountie #2 arrives. You need to step over here please. Mountie #2 leads me into a side room. With a door. Fuck.
Mountie #2 hands me off to Mountie #3. I note she's wearing a kevlar vest and has a gun. What about all that peacekeeping business? She takes my passport and starts typing, typing, typing. I can't help but wonder what the hell she's saying. My heart is beating faster.
Her: What's the purpose of your visit?
Me: Visiting a friend.
Her: What's your friend's name?
Me: Tanis XXXXX. Whoot! I just remembered her last name!
Her: Where does she live?
Me: Shit. Um. Near the airport. I actually have no idea.
Her: What is your friend's address?
Me: I don't know.
Her: What is her birthdate?
Me: I don't know.
Her: How do you know her?
Me: Fabulous. Um, blogging? See, we are well, mommybloggers. She came to visit me, I am returning the favor, I can show you our blogs....
Her: That won't be necessary.
Me: She's waiting outside for me.
Her: That's not good enough.
Me: Shit. Even if she brought me a coat? I decide to leave that one alone.
Her: Why are you only here for 24 hours?
Me: Well, that's all that I could work out, I had an earlier trip planned, but I got sick and had to reschedule.
Her: A lot of money for a short trip.
Me: When did Canada become my personal financial advisor? Um, she's worth it?
Her: Social Security #? I give it.
Her: Have you spent time in Georgia?
Me: No. When did Canada become my personal travel advisor? What does Georgia have to do with this?
Her: What are you planning on doing in Canada?
Me: Um, visit my friend? Didn't we already cover this? Is this a trick question?
Her: Where will you be staying?
Me: With her. But I'm not sure where that is. With rednecks? In the country? I can totally see how dumb this looks. I do. But here I am. I continue to keep my mouth shut.
She continues to type and type and type. I continue to marginally freak out.
Her: What do you do for work in California?
Me: I work in non profit. I work with homeless people.
Her: How do you do that?
Me: When did Canada become my vocational counselor? Um, shelter? Services?
Her: Do you have children?
Her: Who is watching your child while you are here?
Me: Her dad. When did Canada become my mother?
Her: You can proceed to customs.
The final Mountie took my bag apart. Thankfully I had very little inside. I am a bit shaky now and am finally released. I wobble out of the doors and see Tanis. Proceed to take back every nice thing I've ever said about Mounties and tell her I need a drink and quick.
The rest of the weekend was absolutely fantastic. Tanis took me the biggest mall in the world, I kid you not, this mall has a water park, a casino, roller coasters, a skating rink, miniature golf and sea lions. And Bingo and bungee jumping. There was a dragon too. Plus all the stores malls are supposed to have. I mean, it was a freaking sideshow of American Capitalism overspilling into our northern lands and corrupting them forever. Or it was a mall. Either way, it scared me. A lot.
I was sort of expecting to be arrested upon arrival at the airport but thankfully I got to go through Homeland Security instead of Canadian immigration and I will never, not ever talk shit about them again because on the way back it was all smiles and Welcome Home and Did You Have a Nice Time and I was all what the hell's up with Canada anyways and they were all yeah who knows those cats are way too uptight up here and with that I was on my way back home. Too short and perfect all at once.