Monday, February 16, 2009
I'm having trouble writing about how I'm feeling. In fact, I'm having trouble understanding how I'm feeling. In the last month I've left my job of more than a decade, moved out of our home, downsized all of our belongings to what we can carry. We are not only moving but leaving the country and all we know about life so far. Nearly two weeks ago my partner drove off into the wild, expecting a confusing and perhaps dangerous trip. But after 9 days of driving he arrived safe and sound and virtually hassle free. Once again I am reminded the world itself is not nearly as scary as the one inside our minds and a lot safer than the one on TV.
After arriving, J gets the key and opens up the house. Aside from a small hole in the roof as evidenced by the three or so bats inside the house all seems to be well. Our friends and neighbors welcomed him with dinner the night he arrived, a small gathering of neighbors who will take nearly any excuse to celebrate. The neighborhood kids are excited for M to get there, in just 24 hours J's been offered a parrot, 2 dogs and a cat. I'm not really a bird person and am not sure about the rest but I rather like the idea of a dog. Apparently there are wild horses grazing in our backyard. He's ready for us to get there but selfishly I don't mind a bit of delay, he gets to unpack and buy groceries, clean the house and fix that hole in the roof. He's having some firsts without us that I can live with because in many ways I'm tired of being in charge.
So he's there and we are still here but the days are dwindling and my to-do list is on it's last legs. There are a few more goodbyes to be had and a bag to pack. M's been amazing, I keep trying to ascertain how this is affecting her and thankfully due to doting grandparents and a best girlfriend here she's happy and thriving, her only lament has been a persistent missing of her daddy, one stronger than I'd expected and is more likely about a whole lot of missing and not just about him.
It's easy so far, surprisingly and unsettlingly easy. I'm not so used to easy, I've realized since I've left my work that while I deeply loved it I was also taxed beyond belief. The static stress level is noticeably absent now, being willfully unemployed seems luxurious and insane all at once and while I miss the work I don't miss it as much as I thought I would.
Being out of poverty's grip is easier. Not seeing human suffering on a daily basis makes me almost forget it's out there and a tiny bit shameful in knowing that. Life is brighter without suffering, something I think I've forgotten and am not sure it's good to forget. But the reality of poverty, a whole new face of existence waits for me, but this time it'll be unfamiliar and I'll be unresourceful and tentative and figuring that out will be something else too. But beyond that I think my biggest phantom might be the solitude, a quiet I am not used to and one that can't help but change me in ways I am unsure of and not quite ready for but curious about just the same.
In the last email I got from our new landlord, she said the jungle lodge across the road, the one with the little platform and hammocks on the river offers yoga twice a week. I rather love the thought of that, yoga outside in the jungle and to think, we brought a stool and a griddle and I gave away my mat. Easy come, easy go I say and maybe I'll just use a towel or perhaps in the jungle they use something else altogether but I guess I'll just have to wait and see. With this and with everything else, from food to education to healthcare to country and culture and isolation and income and community, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
I am walking not running and I'll be standing still soon.