Sunday, April 19, 2009
Your comments and emails and general loveliness has been so wonderful. I truly thank you, the knowing that there is a place to say what I want and to have it heard means more than you know. But since you've asked, the truth is this all kind of sucks. Chances are everything is peachy but since we don't know we can't really make plans. If everything is fine then....or well if you end up being sick then....but there isn't really a finish to the conversation because we simply have no idea.
I'd like to say we are making the best of it but the truth is it's making us cranky. Well that, and living at my parents house is a bit of a grind. Plus I'm feeling sullen, my birthday is coming up on Thursday and while it's just a birthday and it's really no big deal, I sort of can't help feeling like a teenager and a crone all at the same time. I want cake. I don't want cake.
I just want to go back to the jungle and whine about the heat and the bugs.
This week is filled with more doctors but this time it's addressing the original sin, er, issue of the kidneys so once again we'll spend a day or two at the hospital and surgery will ensue and in between we'll wait for the results of the biopsy. Have I mentioned the kidney doctor is a total fox? Almost makes a girl wish it was her insides he was manhandling and I'm almost jealous I'll be sitting on the sidelines and not the focus of his attention. I said as much in mixed company and received mixed reviews but I'm sure here around this fire you'll give me more rope. Plus I'm kidding. Duh. Mostly.
I re-read my recent posts and think I'm making this time in our lives sound better than it is. I mean, I am and I'm not. We are good and we are not. I am happy and I am not. I am scared and I am not. I am angry and I am not. I am self-obsessed and I wish I was not.
But then I watch my child, bubbling over with joy after a day spent with her grandparents and I know that at least for her, life is rolling along just fine and that in some ways is exactly enough.