noticeably absent

god has been noticeably absent these days. this world is perhaps too much; the pain and suffering of the everyday, the depression and addiction, the poverty and homelessness. this great big gift we've been given and then squandered. our pain perhaps the most toxic emission of all.

god has been noticeably absent these days, and we've all grown immune to the suffering, Iraq, Rwanda, Nairobi, Cambodia. In more places than we can count children live in suffering and die every day, we turn our heads, it is too much.

and then the unexpected, the things that happen on our way to class, leaving our dorm rooms, as we carry our books. we send our precious cargo into the world, this great big world of ours and we hold our breath and hope at best they will exceed our hopes and dreams and at worst will find this world a bit easier than we have found it ourselves. anything less than that is incomprehensible.

god has been noticeably absent these days. perhaps those of you that are strong in your beliefs, your faith, can take these moments and make sense of them, allow them to fall into some sort of context that is relegated to this world alone. i used to walk along you but i've lost my way, and the losing has made the distance wider. i don't know how to reconcile these tragedies and still raise a hopeful child. but yet i hope.

Virginia.

To the young, creative, and brilliant minds who were extinguished today for reasons yet unknown; my heart sits here next to me and we grieve together, tears sliding down my face. My child asks me why i am crying, and i do not have the words. There are no words for this.

Virginia.

so this is how it is

About three or four days ago M decided there are monsters in her room. Lights need to be on, doors open. Naptimes and bedtimes are a series of hellish experiences; one of us going back and forth constantly. Multiple night wakings and an early morning roll call.

I realize this is something some of you experience all the time. However, I am completely at a loss; so that fact alone isn't quite making it all better. This is not the way it's been for the last year of her life. If there is one easy thing about M, it's sleep.

Or not.

And I am at a loss where the scary monster concept comes from. I mean, we don't talk about monsters, let alone the scary ones. Must be that daycare gig. The same daycare where she's getting decked on a regular basis. That alone was annoying, but now, Oh, The Monsters.

I am feeling a bit put out about it. In fact, I'd write more but there is a screaming kid in the other room crying about monsters during my previously precious naptime hour. I shouldn't feel bitchy about it, but I do.

And that's my own monster to deal with, isn't it?

Edited to say: I just learned of the shooting in Virginia. I sit stunned and shamed by my own whining while others were experiencing unspeakable hell this morning. There are no words for days such as this. Virginia.

Oh, Virginia. It's dark outside everywhere today.