Monday, October 02, 2006

the journey between

I sometimes feel like I am bullshit. I struggle to expose the me between all the roles and viewpoints and insecurities and cages and I still can't find my way out of the goddamn rabbit hole. I've felt convicted as of late because even here, in my deliciously pseudo-anonymous blog land, I am still often unable to write what I really want to say. I'd like to blame it on becoming a mother - that my head is so full of daily needs and juggling several realities that I am too damn spent. But if I am fully honest, it started before. I struggle to express how I feel without considering how it might be heard. And that limits me, and my cage is growing smaller.

I am incredibly humbled (and a bit envious) by some of the achingly gorgeous nakedness I read over at A Doggy's Life and the always searing and witty writing over here
I Obsess . These. women. have. something. to. say. And they are able to express themselves so achingly beautifully that I sometimes want to weep and then convince them to come over and drink a bottle of wine with me. Or at places like here Her Bad Mother where women are able to succinctly debate issues in a way that might roll around in my head but that I could never do any real justice to on paper.

I devour these and more. And yes, I compare. I compare and decide that I do not always have as much to offer. That I've gotten lazy, that I've allowed myself to feel beaten and distracted and that I am unimportant as a voice of women. That's some heavy shit, but it's what rattles around in my brain. And rattles some more.

I feel like I've gotten lost a long time ago, and the way is uncertain now. And yet the girlchild part of me wants to find her way - often through seeking approval or making a superficial statement. Yet all of that is fundamental bullshit, because it's not really addressing what I am struggling through. The lack of definition, of purpose. Of standing bravely in front of my own shadow and claiming my place in this world, not for others, not because of anything, and only for me, as I am. And I still don't know the way, but at least I am offered some pretty fantastic examples. And I'll continue to work my way up to risking as we all go along, baby stepping it back to where I should have started in the first place.


MGM said...

Sounds like a familiar struggle...probably one that most women in blogland can relate to. At least I'll speak for myself.

Thanks for posting on Momma's Gone Mad. I read your blog...pretty much all of it. Couldn't stop reading. I consider myself a person of depth, and you drew me in. Hope that counts for at least something.

KTP said...

Wow. I was logging on just now to tell you that I read your whole blog this morning and I was struck by what a strong personality you are - managing to help save the world and relishing the world at the same time.

Motherhood, I feel, intensifies every emotion you have, much like music does but more painfully. It can make you feel lost behind those emotions. I get that. And I also feel like I blame some of my own shortcomings on motherhood as well. Even though I'm hiding behind it.

Anonymous said...

Of course your voice is important.

The other bloggers are good writers, it's true, but your voice is YOURS.

Write ON!

Ruth Dynamite said...

I think some cosmic force out there is having this same effect on lots of us. Just keep doing your thing, your own way. The answers will come.

Anonymous said...

Um, I was reading this and screaming inside of my head, "YES!!!! This is EXACTLY how I feel. There is someone else out there that feels the exact.same.way. as I do.!!!" It's a relief - in a way.
This post touched me in a way I can't describe. There's so much I'd love to say to you. But I'd be typing all damn day.

ECR said...

The fact is, you have stories that need to be told. I think those bloggers you mentioned are a perfect example that there are so many different voices out there, with so many different experiences behind them. Sometimes I think finding one's voice is not as difficult as embracing the discovery.

crazymumma said...

I think you have a fabulous voice. Your writing conveys a thoughtful, insightful, irreverent, honest and woman who is a mother, caregiver, breadwinner, thinker, fighter.
And I like what I have read so far and I keep coming back don't I?

That being said, I think that all of us, even those who you so admire have struggled and will struggle many times with the same issues.

Keep writing, sometimes one has to write alought, just to get a paragraph that is golden.

ps. Yes she is a warrior in training. I am so damn proud.
Thanks for saying that.

dogfaceboy said...

You have no right to write so deliciously and have these insane feelings of inferiority. It's funny how we see ourselves.

I don't envy a lot of people, but I find many who I feel can carry the weight of my judgment and scrutiny, and you certainly do. I am in awe of your photography, and I love what you say and how you say it.

You're here. It's queer. Get used to it.

Not to make light of anyone's nakedness, but thanks for showing us your, uh, teats. :)

meno said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog.

This blogging, writing thing is an evolving voice for me. Sometimes i can't say what i want, and then someone in the comments will nail it for me. I love that.

I chose to remain anonymous, in order to try and write without considering who might diapprove.

And so, keep on writing, i hear it gets easier.

lildb said...

you have so much to share and to say. I am awestruck that you don't recognize that in yourself/your words.


mad_hatter said...

Mmmm. It's weird b/c the very last thing I want to do in my blog is reveal my inner self. Or maybe, that's not the best way of putting it. What I want to reveal is my writerly self. I want to show craft--if the emotions seem raw or the philosphical meanderings seem fresh, then I have done my job; I have managed to hone my craft to the place where I want it to be.

As for my inner-self, that is for me and for me alone. Sometimes I share it with my husband, sometimes with my sisters or with friends but I hope to never leave it unguarded on the internet. And yet, my reflections about it, my writing about--that self that is filtered through craft is a self that I am comfortable and confident sharing.

And yes, like you, I read other blogs and think, why in sam hell do I bother when there are so many other better writers out there? But in the end, that's not what this desire to write, to communicate is about, is it?

For the record I very much enjoy your blog and the personality I see surface through it. The more you write, the more your craft will quicken.

Momish said...

I know this struggle so well. When I read how eloquently other women strip their veils, lay it all on the line, or rise up to a challenge, I am humbled by my own shallowness and fear. However, now I am baffled, you are one of those women who often humble me. I love your insight, your reverance for beauty and simple pleasures. It's a beautiful voice that others like me turn to for inspiration and an wonderfully unique perspective!

mad_hatter said...

Ugh, sometimes I sound like an obnoxoius idiot. In my comment, I didn't mean "'your' craft will quicken," I meant that "one's" carft will quicken. i.e. I love writing for the pure sake that writing makes me a better writer; writing makes us all better writers.

I had to come back to clarify this comment b/c when I thought back on what I said I realized it could be interpreted as meaning that I thought your writing wasn't quite good yet. Which I don't. I think your writing is lovely and poetic.

Mamma said...

Well put! I constantly struggle with finding the voice inside that wants to spill my guts on the page. And then I read others' blogs and I retreat to my self-loathing mode for the crap that I spew onto the page.

But the voice in my head doesn't shut up--so I have to keep trying.