the maternal evolution (on the road)

In a little over a month we'll be leaving for our annual trek into a new country. Travel is a priority for us, and we crave exploring new places without itineraries or reservations - just us, backpacks and the lonely planet.

Since M has joined us, travel has been a bit more difficult. She's still too young to take to some of the places we want to go, and leaving her (although in incredibly capable and loving grandparental hands) is getting tougher and tougher for me.

We've chosen El Salvador and perhaps a short foray into Nicaragua for this trip. And we're leaving M behind - and it's eating at me. I know she'll be fine - she adores her grandparents and they will spoil her and keep her safe. But I also know she'll miss us, and I hate the thought of causing her any sort of sadness, even if it's sadness she'll forget. And a part of it feels selfish - when I hear of moms who have never left their child for a single night I think what the hell am I am doing? Is THIS the primal wound (we are big on primal wounding around here) that she'll carry with her? I am pretty sure that isn't the case. But perhaps it sheds some light into the amazing ever churning guilt complex I drag around behind me everywhere I go.

So this time, when we are booking airfare and emptying out backpacks and finding passports I am finding she is what I am thinking about. The wanderlust is now tempered by the mothering.
I don't think I expected it to go this way. And I don't think I expected I'd feel as okay about it as I do. I've surrendered this year - surrendered to mother. And I am learning I really love it here. I didn't enter easily into this, so the simple knowing of this truth means quite a bit to me. That doesn't mean I don't still miss some things, but I notice I miss them less.

This will probably be one of the last trips we take without her. When she's a bit older I will feel better about expecting her to spend 6 hours on a public bus through the middle of Cambodia. Or 4 hours in the back of a taxi in Guatemala. She'll better be able to understand it, and will even perhaps start growing her own wanderlust. We've started a savings account for her, and we've both agreed that if she wants to use it to travel around the world one day, we'd be thrilled. If she wants it for college, that'll be terrific too. But the open road has so much to teach.

So for this trip, her dad and I will play it free and loose...beers at the bus station and nights in cantinas. Long days on the beach and hikes up mountains. And I'll know I'll look at the stars at night, and I will miss her. And I will see her face in the faces of children, and I will miss her. And it will remind me yet again how lucky I am to be a mother.