practical empathy

Empathy in greek means to suffer with. I think there are many ways one can suffer along with another - whether by being moved on the basis of story or situation, by verbally sharing and connecting with another's plight in a person to person form, or by taking a more proactive stance and doing something practical that alleviates another's suffering.

As I reflect over the past week, I wonder which form of empathy has the greatest effect not only the individual in question, but in the world. I know that at times people need physical help. A place to sleep. Food. Mosquito netting. I like to think of that as tactical empathy. Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on. One person connecting with another in a way that says: I feel you, and I care, and this too shall pass. Other times we hear a story so powerful, so gut wrenching, that we are transfixed and transformed by the plight of another person or community; Darfur, Katrina, James Kim. All of those fall into that category, as do a thousand other social tragedies.

And sometimes, all the empathy in the world doesn't mean there is a solution. Sometimes feeling another person's pain doesn't move us to do anything tangible about it. Sometimes we simply feel and let that feeling ride; hoping the empathy of others will make up for our own inertia.

And then I think of personal empathy; and what shape and form I allow myself to walk in another's shoes. Or allow them to walk in mine. And how responsible we are for allowing others to care for us, to share our sorrow, to lift us up.

I know when I think of someone empathizing with me I feel understood. That someone saw my struggle and did something beyond simply recognizing it. The "I notice you are struggling because you haven't slept in 3 days" becomes "You haven't slept in three days, so please let me get up with the baby so you can rest". I most value the empathy that comes without me having to ask. For example "I am so tired so can you please get up with the baby" even if responded to positively, means so much less than if I didn't have to ask.

Somehow I equate asking for help with weakness, and having to ask with resentment. This is a personal statement, one I do not equate at all to someone else asking for help. This one is reserved for me alone.

This belief system has caused me a lot of pain; and it invalidates those around me who care and would truly do anything I asked. But yet, that means I must run full circle back to the asking itself.

It's a funnybugger, this one.

And so it makes me wonder what we are all really asking for. Are we simply asking to be understood, or is it something deeper? Are we asking for the voice on the phone to simply understand, or are we secretly wishing the voice on the phone would do something more?

I think the answer to that depends on the situation we are facing. Sometimes a voice on the phone (or a comment on my blog) is exactly and all I need. Your empathy this week buoyed me, lifted me, it mattered. (thank you)

I remember when we first had M J worked nights. I was up all night long for days and was starting to lose my mind. I remember talking to a friend, crying, who told me that she was on her way over. And when she got here she took M, sent me to bed, and stayed up all night long with M so I could sleep. She sat awake in my living room for 6 hours and allowed me to rest.

It was the single best baby gift I have ever received, that one night, where I thought I might not make it another day. I never would have asked, but it was exactly what I needed.

I've needed more this week, and as a result of my not asking, I've not gotten it. I've needed J to pull more of the load; our usually very equitable load; because I've been pushed and pulled and have had many late nights. And J, if I ask, will do what I need, and he'll do it willingly and without question. But it goes back to the asking.

And so my thoughts return to empathy. I think, for me, various forms feed me in various situations. but sometimes the practical kind; while requiring more of another, means the most to the person in need.

Empathy, in greek, means to suffer with. And sometimes suffering with means getting your hands dirty. I mentioned in an earlier post that I'd re-awakened something - and I think this something has to do with practical empathy. To suffer alongside another - sitting cold on a curb, sharing your food, carrying someone's belongings or helping them walk.

All we can do is remain aware, and allow ourselves to bend into uncomfortable positions in an effort to allow someone else a bit more comfort. While simultaneously allowing others to be make you more comfortable too.