Friday, February 02, 2007

Not that sort of mutant

People like to give their old stuff to shelters. It's often a blessing, sometimes it's a pain in the ass (who needs that old bag of kitty litter, yo?) and sometimes it's a whole other situation altogether.

A few years ago I was running a housing program for thirty or so families. We had a general community center where staff offices, meeting rooms, and child care spaces were all located. Most days were chaotic, kids wandering in your office and ripping things off your walls while you are trying to finish a budget, or run screaming up and down the halls in wild abandon. It's actually pretty freaking cute.

We were having one of those days and needed a few minutes of quiet to work with a few mothers so we herded all of their kids (ones of the toddler variety), into the child care room thinking we'd put in a video and keep them occupied for 2 or 4 minutes.

A church group had just dropped off a giant cardboard box of used kid videos. There must have been 30 or 40 tapes in the box so I reached in and grabbed one - and I'll never forget the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles written on the label. Let's just ignore that as a previously childless person I chose TMNT to show to toddlers.

So I sit them all down and pop in the video and run out of the room to grab something. About 30 seconds later I returned to 5-6 toddlers gazing in amazement to what some might call hot bi-racial sex action with a very studly looking man with vanilla ice-esque hair on top of a rather lovely and bendable young woman.

In other words: HOLY SHIT.

I remember diving at the VCR, pulling the plug from the TV, and having a near nervous breakdown. The kids looked at me and said "What's that man doing? More show! More show!"

More show, indeed. I should have charged admission. Thanks Church People.

So after having to tell each of their moms exactly what happened (and thankfully, they were much less upset than I was imagining) we spent the rest of the day screening every single other tape. And incidentally, every other tape in that gigantic box was reflective of the label it proclaimed.

This is a long way of saying that when it comes to donations you can trust no one.

Especially not those wiley church people.

30 comments:

scribbit said...

Oh that was too funny! I'm sure painful for you and not funny for the kids, but at least I get the benefit of a laugh from it all. What are the odds that you'd pick that tape?

Oh, The Joys said...

I'm not laughing at you, I swear!

Mrs. Chicky said...

*giggle*

Well, at least the "turtle" part was right. ;)

deb said...

Thanks for the laugh

crazymumma said...

Having trouble commenting...lets see if this works...

At least the actors were not dressed up as giant turtles...

NotSoSage said...

Huh. And my high school english teacher fast-forwarded the nudey scenes in Romeo and Juliet...if only you'd been the course instructor!

;)

Marymurtz said...

I wonder how they itemized that donation on their tax return. Just imagine when they found the Ninja Turtles video in the other movie's case.

KC said...

That is totally something that would happen to me. Holy shit is right! Funny. Later.

Momish said...

Having never saw TMNT, I would have assumed it was for kids (toddlers) myself. Thanks for the tip!

But, then again, I would have been a tad weary as well. Everytime we go to the zoo, the turtles are at it. Never fails. And they talk about rabbits, but those turtles are way worse! My husband and I actually take a bet as to how many turtle couples will be doing it when we get there.

flutter said...

HAAA!!!!!

ok I am totally laughing at you, sorry but that is hilarious.

"it's yoga kids, just yoga! Nothing to see here!"

meno said...

You were really just trying to further their education.

* ha ha ha, snort*

Were the church people Catholic?

Thailand Gal said...

ROTFL! It's amazing what people will do to hide their p*rn!

LOL


Peace,

~Chani

Laurie said...

Oh mercy. I can only imagine the look on your face when you spotted the oh-so-bendable woman and the vanilla ice guy.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That is helarious! During a class in college, my partner and I were preparing a web quest. This is where the children have to go online and research different topics to complete a project. The webquest includes numerous links to other sites. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well, while presenting it to the rest of our class we found out that the site had been hacked by (wait for it)....a PORN site! Every window we clicked (desperately) to get out brought to us an increasingly more inapropriate place. By the time I pulled the plug, the entire room had succumbed to fits of hysterical laughter. I think we ALL learned a little more than about a novel that day! UGH!

Tabba said...

Can I get an 'Amen'!

Deezee said...

frightfully funny....

ewe are here said...

You just made me spit of my diet coke.

Too funny.

Mad Hatter said...

OH LORD. When I started reading this post I was going to commiserate about how people donate sooo many junky books to the library.

Not Now. Yikes.

kristen said...

Good LORD! I'm not surprised though.....I can only imagine the crap people deem appropriate for homeless shelters which unnerves me and fascinates simultaneously.

amanda kathryn said...

Thank you for the laugh on an otherwise crappy day. That is one of the best stories I've heard in a long time.

Lucia said...

Well, where else would the churchies hide their porn tapes if not in with the kiddie movies? Or maybe Mr. Churchie came home to find Mrs. Churchie had given his li'l fun video away.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh tell me you don't mind that I am LMAO here.

I started this thinking, oh man, donation requirements have to be so stringent because sometimes it's like dumpster fodder and I was all ready to get on my bandwagon about need and expectation of gratitude with no recognition of dignity again...and then...

PORN!

SNORT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

lildb said...

Occasionally I have a flashback about the time I was at a church function, around third-grade-ish (so I think I'd have been approx. 9? *squints*); I think it was a Sunday night service, which meant that there was prolly coffee and cake and the adults were standing around, chatting. We kids were in and out of the sunday-school section of the building, running around in the small, dark maze of rooms (the lights were out b/c there was no kid-class in the evenings, praise jesus), and we ran into one of the rooms and found, to our utter amazement, a big, flat cardboard stationed on an easle, with a collage of naked ladies in various poses glued to the board. Ladies with big boobies. Little boobies. Boobies. Naked ones.

We stared, mouths open, then ran to find other kids to tell, and show (duh! like they'd have believed us if they didn't see it for themselves) - and when we returned with more troops, the cardboard and easle were gone. We were shocked, those of us who'd witnessed the boobies. We stared at one another with open mouths, trying to understand the bizarre appearance, and even more bizarre sudden disappearance, of the boobie collage.

With age, I've begun to wonder whether that was intended to be a super-subtle molestation thing. No surprise; lots of supposedly-pious churchians turned out to be rapists/molesters/sexual deviants on loads of levels, from the various churches my family and I attended throughout my childhood (what an awesome family environment church was back then!).

It's such a weird-ass memory.

carrie said...

Jesus, I never would ever imagine that could happen.

Carrie

mothergoosemouse said...

Fuh-king-A.

I wish I could laugh, but that just makes me want to hit people. Not you, obviously. But the shitheads who donated it.

Man oh man, there's not much that gets me riled, except mixing religion and porn, 'cause that ain't right.

Izzy said...

Thanks for the chuckle. It's been a rough week and I really needed it :)

Beck said...

I did that once accidentally, except instead of putting on a mislabeled porn tape in front of children, it was in front of my grandma and mother. Good memories.

ecm said...

This is a hysterical story! Too funny! That was hardly your fault...who knew there were perils of donated video tapes.

urban-urchin said...

OMG! More show! More show! That's freakin hilarious.

Penny said...

Ooh, Jen.. I could just feel that hot/cold panic, but ..LOL!.. that was hilarious.

Still.

But, still.

;)

Stupid people... stupid horny people at that. ugh.