Saturday, May 05, 2007

under the bridge (girl on a corner)

I've been using this place to work through some shit lately, but what I am working through isn't what I am writing about, so instead, I am remembering. I am remembering the reasons why, the road I've taken to get here, the once bright fire within me. I am remembering faces, times, situations, and people I've loved. I am trying, desperately trying, to find my way. But what does that mean for you? I wondered that last night, if you might be wondering how long I'll carry on moving backwards. Or at the very least some of you are onto me. Hel see, has already called my bluff.

The illusion is worn, the hole deeper. My choices have greater impact, decisions weigh so much now. And I don't know how to deal with it, so instead I am reaching out and back, to find the place I started so I can find the place I need to go.

There might be a few more stories yet. Bear with me, as I am struggling to bear with myself.

Oh, and hey, it's the last call for our fifth Just Post Roundtable. If you have a post of yours or one you've appreciated that was written by someone else, please send them my way to girlplustwo (at) yahoo(dot) com by May 7th and I'll send you the button. Go on. It's good for the soul.

We'll link all posts and anyone who refers one (or more) in our Just Post Roundtable on the 10th. If this is new to you, please feel free to check it out here or at the JP buttons to your right.


meno said...

After reading the stories you have been telling us from the past. I cannot even begin to imagine how you keep on going.

Carry on going backwards until you reach your goal, wherever it is.


slouching mom said...

This is YOUR space. Do what you need to do. You are beautifully self-aware.

Aliki2006 said...

Sometimes the backward journey is the most critical one we will ever take.

Hel said...

Reading your post I suddenly remembered reading the below poem by Mmatshilo Motsei, an African traditional healer who has been through similiar painful experiences working in South Africa.

I am today
I want to be tomorrow
I was yesterday
How can I be today
without my yesterday?
What would I become
without my today?

Bring back my yesterday
Plain and simple
How dare you
label it baggage
Who are you
to prescribe forgiveness
and demand forgetfullnes?

Bring back my yesterday
Let me take my time
as I slowly sift it like sand
one grain after another.

Let me eventually carry it
not like a rock in my heart
but as a jewel in my soul.
In time
My time.

How can I be
Without I am
How can I be I am
Without I was
It's my story
My roots
My suffering
My joy
It is my life.

Forgive and forget
What a damn cheeck
I will forgive eventually
But I will never
Forget my yesterday.

Hearing Visions, Seeing Voices - Mmatshilo Motsei

I am grateful to have you as my sister

Beck said...

Geez Louise. You're hardly rambling. This is riveting stuff. I hope you get to where you're going, but I'm enjoying the trip.

QT said...

It seems there are heavy times all around in blog-land these days. I am grateful I get to take part in the journey, my friend.

Sandra said...

The stories you are sharing are bringing such life to your memories ... for us. And hopefully becoming the compass that you are looking for.

I understand what it is you are going through. The difficulty to make decisions about the work that you do. Follow your heart dear woman - I sense there is much clarity in there.

Tabba said...

Oh, Jen.

There a thousand words I want to say.
And yet I can't find two or three to put together to form a lucid thought for you.

You will find your way. Sift through this. Get it out. Take your time.
You're evolving. Your roads are outstretched in front of you.
And soon you will feel free to follow them.
And we're all here, following quietly behind.
Should you need us, friend.

flutter said...

bear with you? You've been luminous, Jen.

A said...

Sometimes you simply must go backwards to go forwards.

Do what you must. We'll all be here.

Kyla said...

You are amazing, sister. I've missed a few posts this week, but I'm enjoying the backwards voyage. We're all learning a lot along the way.

crazymumma said...

oh that poem that Hel sent you. Freakin' chills. And as I read this and that poem, I am sitting in front of my computer listening to Extreme Ways by Moby.

Funny how stuff coalesces.

I am a bit mystified by your post. I keep going to the title under the bridge (girl on a corner). Passages both, crossings. And what an image I see in my head.

Whatever shit you are working thru, whether you write about it or around it, I for one love to read it.

I sometimes reach backwards because what I have lived is what I am today. Good or bad. ugly or pretty. It is what it is.

Thinking on you girl.

Mrs. Chicky said...

You keep working it out, bay-bee. I love your stories.

Ruth Dynamite said...

But we all must go back before we go forward. Journey on, my friend.

Mad Hatter said...

You may be working out shit but those posts are forcing some of us to work out our own shit too. As I said in my last comment, it is the cumulative effect of all this writing that is killing me--that keeps pricking me towards changing how I interact with the world. One of these stories on the news would dismissively be called a "human interest" story. Honey, you are giving us a freakin' tsunami here. Your message just keeps getting harder and harder to deny.

Still, if looking back allow forward movement for you--even if that movement is away from all this--all power to you. I'll still be here when the chips fall, my darling bride.

NotSoSage said...

I'm listening.

That hel is a smart woman.

karrie said...

The stories are all new to me--and I really enjoy reading them.

Susanne said...

Just keep on telling these stories. Obviously we're happy to read them. No need for bearing...

KC said...

I hope you find your way, friend. We'll be here, growing increasingly enlightened during the process.

Oh, The Joys said...

If what you are worrying about is what I think it is... you know I have faith in you above all. You will find the way.

kristen said...

you are working thru your shit jen, but as you do, you shed light for someone like me, who before i 'met' you, was clueless. that's what friends are for - to listen. xo

Deb said...

Sometimes I can't come here b/c I am already overwhelmed and I believe in what you do, I used to do it. And I know I have to take care of me so I can keep taking care of everyone else too...KWIM?
I know you know and you are working it thru....We all seem to be honored by sharing this journey with you. I feel something similiar about how I used to be vs what i have become since marrying my dh. Sorry this turned into a book, I should have emailed instead