Tuesday, April 07, 2009

day 49: backtracking

We've been walking around in a daze for two days, coming off the whirlwind of hospitals and airline reservations and packing. We don't want to go. We wander around the house bumping into each other alternating saying i don't want to go back with are you having any pain? We are both terrified he'll get another stone attack before we get on the plane or worse, while on the plane itself. The pain comes so fiercely, it's all he can do not to pass out. I am begging the gods and goddesses and the moon and the earth for it to lie dormant until we get to the states.

Medical issues aside I am a bit scared. Scared it's not been long enough for me to forget my foolish ways. Scared I'll hop right back on the laptop, a virtual junkie. Scared I'll find the shower and the laundry too comforting, the sheets too cool and crisp. The adjusting has taken some time and now we are throwing ourselves backwards and I wonder if we are strong enough to resist the sanitary charms.

Friends here have enveloped us, one is house and dog sitting, another is ensuring M can get registered for kindergarten, a process I was supposed to start next week. Two others are taking us on the long journey to the airport, in order to fly home we've had to surrender our car, a process that ensures that we won't be in legal trouble upon return. We take his ultrasound pictures and doctor papers, I show it to the customs person hoping it will mean they will give us a break and surprisingly enough it does, the man studies the papers and looks at us we understand your situation and can work with you he says and I smile in gratitude, on the verge of tears all day.

Friends invited us for dinner, cooking is the last thing you need to worry about they said and so we sat under a palapa eating a delicious meal as the sun set still in disbelief that we have to go. In less than two months we've had our fair share of struggles, I imagine our village friends must think of us as calamitous gringos, one thing after another seems to be getting in our way and causing others to lend a hand. There's been nothing routine about it, for the past six weeks we've been really living, awake and alive and each day both bright and exhausting as we figure our way. We've figured it and now hit some bumps and wonder how long we'll be derailed while knowing the only thing that truly matters is that J is okay. But we can't believe we are walking backwards after such a short while.

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kristen said...

I've been thinking of you Jen, ever since I read your post about J and having to come back to the states.
I think it's perfectly fine to enjoy all the things the states offer and junk out on the internet (really dude, it's so much better than junk food!) and still go back home to what you've set up in the jungle.
corny crap, i'm sending big love and healing thoughts to you and yours traveling safely back, no attacks and that J gets the help he needs. xo

Amy said...

Thinking of you.

jaded said...

Don't think of it as a step back, but a reroute to your destination. Peace be with you friend.

de said...

ah, I hear you, how hard this is. Nothing but hugs and love for you, wish it were something more.

Jennifer said...

Sweet jen, you are not walking backward...just off of your preplanned route. I'm so sorry, though, because there is so much to wonder and worry with this. *sigh*. I hope you get nothing but wonderful news about J and that things go as smoothly as possible. As for your fears about comfort and laptops and such... Don't worry. When I returned home afte being there this time, I resisted, heavily, going back to all of that. Just as I did the last time. The lure is there and it's real and it's a trap to fall into, to be sure, but if I was as resistant as I was after only a few weeks...you'll be pushing back just as hard as it's calling you. Or... just enjoy it while you can, knowing it's only while you can. You and J and M will be back to your little jungle home before you know it, healthy and well.


Wayfarer Scientista said...

oh jen. Hugs to you and J. It will all be okay and you'll be back. I hope the pain goes away soon - kidney stones are so painful. And just let those neighbors and friends do their thing - your turn will come as it always does in this life. Take care of J. All else will wait. Hugs.

Tis I said...

When you go back, I sense that you will not feel the same as when you left. You have moved to a different place, your wishes and wants are different. Cool hseets re cool sheets, but the warmth of your neighbours in the jungle are real to you too. My sense is that you will not feel like you hvae backtracked when you get there, but maybe yo need ot be there to know this for yourself.

I hope all goes well and J gets better soon. Enjoy your trip - it is the now you are in, in that moment.

Kyla said...

I don't think you are moving backwards at all. Maybe this trip will serve to confirm that you made the right decision in moving to the jungle and you'll find yourself longing for your new home.

deb said...

I hope everything goes well. Take care.

Ally said...

I'm guessing that you'll see those "sanitary comforts" with new sets of eyes during this trip back to the States. The kind of eyes that see the cost of those comforts. Best wishes to you, Jen, and to J and M during this challenging time.

QT said...

Wishing you nothing but the best, Jen. Only in hindsight will you be able to connect the dots on this, but you are right, all that matters now is that J is ok. That is my fervent wish for you.

alejna said...

How wonderful that your friends down there are stepping up to help. That must really make it feel like it's your home now.

I'll be hoping for smooth and pain-free travels for you.

painted maypole said...

prayers and good wishes for J and of course for you and M as well.

holding off on school supplies until further notice...

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Lara said...

Ahh, Jen...the universe has a weird way of dictating her needs. Think of it this way: despite the distance and unfamiliarity of dealing with illness in the jungle, you are free to return to the states for treatment w/o worrying about losing your job, your home, that paycheck you'd be receiving and the sick days you may not have stored up at work if you were still here. Maybe the timing really is serendipitous - if the timing for such a thing ever could be. I don't know...just looking to grab onto something optimistic for you.
I shouting my prayers out to this big, beautiful Universe we live in. J will be ok. You will be ok. M will be ok. You can do this.

TZT said...

What you've built for yourselves there in such a short time is just amazing.

Hoping for safe, pain-free travels, easy treatment, quick recovery.

Honesty said...

See? I was right.

Anjali said...

Hope you can hurry back home, pain-free, soon.

Gwen said...

jen, jen, jen. I am thinking the bestest of best thoughts about you and j and maya. Hard.

Tabba said...

Jen, I have been thinking about J and have sent him some reiki healing energy last night - meditating and thinking specifically of him. I hope that it does *something*. I pray and wish and hope that he is well soon.

On another note, I would say not to look at this as a step backward - I'm sure it is easy to see it that way. I would say that when you return back, you will see that it launches you forward in ways you had never even imagined!!

Best of luck and again, I will continue to send J my intentions for his improved health!

love ya!

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