spin

So.

We wait.  We sit and we sit and we wait. We've seen more MDs in the past week than we have in the past year or more. We see pictures of J's insides and we hear the doctors chatter.  It might be cancer they say.  It's probably not cancer they say. Either way they keep saying it.  They keep saying that word and I can't help but wonder if they are sensitizing us to a new reality or just impressing us with their knowledge.  No matter because all the scans were inconclusive. Now we wait for a needle to define us, one inserted into his organs and I think of fortune cookies, you never know what you are going to get when you open one up but you can't help cracking them open with hope in your eyes only to find one that says You Will Take An Unexpected Trip or You Will Soon Be Prosperous or how about the one that says It's Not Fucking Cancer. 

On top of this our health insurance is running out soon and we learned today that no one else will touch J with a 10' pole now that he's having all of these medical issues.  He'll be uninsurable she says and I laughed and she apologized and yet I couldn't help it. I am entirely unsurprised I say and she commiserates.  I think back to a few weeks ago and how I was learning how to wash my clothes with a hose and cook on a propane stove.  Pigs and horses in the road. I think of sticky hot nights and mosquito netting.  Bats in the house. Hard and simple.  We were doing it and it wasn't always easy but we were doing what we said we would do.

Today I think of health insurance and health itself. Of life and it's lack of insurance. Of choices we've made and adventures we've proclaimed. Of taking things for granted. Of being humbled. Of waiting. 

And I wonder if this is all a ball of nothing or the very tip of Something but right now I can't find the waiter and I'll I've got on the table are dirty plates and cold food.