Tuesday, April 14, 2009

spin

So.

We wait.  We sit and we sit and we wait. We've seen more MDs in the past week than we have in the past year or more. We see pictures of J's insides and we hear the doctors chatter.  It might be cancer they say.  It's probably not cancer they say. Either way they keep saying it.  They keep saying that word and I can't help but wonder if they are sensitizing us to a new reality or just impressing us with their knowledge.  No matter because all the scans were inconclusive. Now we wait for a needle to define us, one inserted into his organs and I think of fortune cookies, you never know what you are going to get when you open one up but you can't help cracking them open with hope in your eyes only to find one that says You Will Take An Unexpected Trip or You Will Soon Be Prosperous or how about the one that says It's Not Fucking Cancer. 

On top of this our health insurance is running out soon and we learned today that no one else will touch J with a 10' pole now that he's having all of these medical issues.  He'll be uninsurable she says and I laughed and she apologized and yet I couldn't help it. I am entirely unsurprised I say and she commiserates.  I think back to a few weeks ago and how I was learning how to wash my clothes with a hose and cook on a propane stove.  Pigs and horses in the road. I think of sticky hot nights and mosquito netting.  Bats in the house. Hard and simple.  We were doing it and it wasn't always easy but we were doing what we said we would do.

Today I think of health insurance and health itself. Of life and it's lack of insurance. Of choices we've made and adventures we've proclaimed. Of taking things for granted. Of being humbled. Of waiting. 

And I wonder if this is all a ball of nothing or the very tip of Something but right now I can't find the waiter and I'll I've got on the table are dirty plates and cold food.



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47 comments:

slouching mom said...

Oh, hon. I will be thinking about you and J.

It's nothing it's nothing it's nothing. Going off to engage in magical thinking now. Can't hurt, right?

Bon said...

oh wow, hon. the terror is there, cold and hard, in the wings at your table. i hope hope hope it does not get to take its seat there.

"uninsurable" always strikes fear and bafflement into my li'l Canadian heart. rest assured, we're no jungle, but if you three need a place anytime soon, we'll take you, and care for you. and uh, we have bats, if that helps?

grace, to you, and to J.

Simplicity said...

Oh my goodness! The C word is a nasty, nasty thing! I had a lump in my breast last year and had 3 mammograms and a biopsy. Every single step of the way was the same thing, "It might be cancer and we want to catch it early." "It may not be cancer, but we want to rule it out as a possibility." It wasn't, but it was a few months of nailbiting and stress beyond anything I'd ever imagined. I'm only 34 I kept thinking...I'm too young.

I'm going to toss an extra prayer or hundred up there for you and sending out positive vibes!

mothergoosemouse said...

Oh no.

Thinking good thoughts for you and J.

Janet said...

The contrast between where you were and where you are is so stark. Sending much love and hopeful thoughts your way.

TZT said...

Well that stinks.

Keeping my fingers crossed for him.

Amber said...

I hope you have an answer soon - and that it's a good one.

krista said...

the older i get the more i wish fairy tales were real. i am so sorry you're going through all of this. i'm so sorry everyone is going through everything they're going through. if my words had wings they would fly to you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear and stroke your hair softly.

maggie, dammit said...

Seeking out stars and whispering your names to them tonight.

Bethany said...

Thinking of you all and hoping that fortune cookie holds your ticket back to the jungle, back to your life. Take care. Much love.

Magpie said...

Oh no! I am thinking some of those good magical thoughts for you and especially for J.

And on the insurance, can't you continue under COBRA? You should be able to have that for 18 months...paying for it, yes, but it shouldn't run out so soon...you only just stopped working.

Tell me if I can do anything for you.

Mad said...

Oh babe...

kristen said...

you and j are in my thoughts...xo

Pgoodness said...

thinking good thoughts and sending good vibes

deezee said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Even if it turns out to be nothing, I know this process is dreadful. Hugs.

Ally said...

Jen and J, I'm sending all my love, prayers, and best wishes your way. I'm sorry you are going through this.

jess said...

My thoughts are with you. My prayers also. I'm asking for grace, for you, for J.

Little Monkies said...

I've recently sat in those waiting rooms in the pauses in between tests and conversations about the c word and it f'ing sucks. A ton of "maybe this and maybe that" keeps running through my head for you but I know that doesn't help. We hold you in special warmth, my friend.

Z said...

I'm so sorry and I hope you get good news soon.

Love to you all

hele said...

sister. i am crying sitting here and praying out loud. talking to that which is out there saying Jen is good stuff, don't you dare step away from her for even a second.

and fuck it, you have collected money for so many, we will collect money for you. screw the health insurance, we will start a blog insurance.

say the word my love and i will start the process.

Susanne said...

Hi, I have been thinking about J and you. I'm sending good thoughts your way. I hope they help.

Blog Antagonist said...

OH NO. I'm so sorry to hear this!! It's just not fair, dammit. I'm going to think positive thoughts too, and hope you can resume your jungle adventure soon.

de said...

The waiting is so hard - you're coiled with so much potential energy to fight but you don't know what you're up against.

This is such an illogical turn of events, I still can't believe it.

X's & O's

KC said...

Honey- am thinking about you. Wish I could be there with you both, advocating for you and talking to them. I can be very pushy and demanding when it comes to that -just ask my family.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I can't imagine how scary it must be for you guys.... Sending you love and strength....

QT said...

oh jen. you know you are all in my thoughts. i really hope you get some clarity and soon. xo

Krysten said...

For whatever it's worth, an unknown someone in an unknown someplace is sending you the best thoughts possible in the world.

kgirl said...

Oh my god, so so scary. Sending you positive energy.

jen said...

All - thank you. Truly.

Kyla said...

Uninsurable. Isn't that shit?

I wish you didn't have to walk this road, jen.

mamatulip said...

Oh Jen. I've been sick, and I've been out of the blogsphere loop for a while now. I saw your tweet last night and realized I had missed a lot of important stuff over here in your neck of the woods. I'm so sorry, Jen. I'm sending you strength and love and positive energy.

xoxo

GivnN2Temptation said...

I'll just say it. It's not FAIR!

meno said...

Ah jen, we're all worrying with you.

I think doctors can be very careless with their words.

bgirl said...

there are not bats, no bug bites and yet fear is once again daunting you. this is hard. and many more words, yet hear these, you are stronger. maybe not moment to moment, yet in the whole, you are.
believe. manifest the positive. believe.

xxoo
b

Tabba said...

thinking of you all & crossing fingers, toes, legs, arms, elbows & eyes in the hopes that it all is alright and that you are able to make sense of it all soon.

plus...exactly what Meno said.

metro mama said...

Oh, honey. Keep us updated.

xo

Don Mills Diva said...

Oh Jen - I am thinking of you guys and summoning up every ounce of positive energy I can to send to you...

Cold Spaghetti said...

Sending every voodoo mojo in this city for that fortune cookie to break open the good news...

wheelsonthebus said...

babe.

you can't beat yourself up. you made the best choice you could with the information you had at the time.

Erratic said...

You and J are in my thoughts.

Gina said...

Oh Jen - this sucks! I'm hoping and praying that it is nothing, but it still sucks for you to have to go through it. And the timing of it all sucks even more! Sending good thoughts to your family.

Jessica said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this uncertainty, and fear. I hope that you'll get speedy and positive news. If we can do anything I hope you will let us know.

Karen said...

jen, I don't know what to say. I truly don't. I am hoping hard that is nothing, nothing.

Beck said...

Praying.
And it probably is nothing. Try not to worry before you have to, which is an impossible and silly thing to say.

Ruth Dynamite said...

The universe is on your side. I have no doubts.

Kelly (conversemomma) said...

I found you via okayfinedamnit Mags. All I can say is that I hope, I hope, I hope for you and your darling boy.

joker the lurcher said...

oh jen. the whole hospital thing is so hard. i hope the news is good and that you can get back on with life as you were living it.

and i'm with hele on the cost of health care. we haven't got a lot of money but you can have what i can spare. if everyone who has ever read your blog and whose lives have been touched by it put in what they could afford you would have no worries about paying for what J needs. just let us know.