today

I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.  Dr. Martin Luther King
The tough mind is sharp and penetrating, breaking through the crust of legends and myths and sifting the true from the false. The tough-minded individual is astute and discerning. He has a strong austere quality that makes for firmness of purpose and solidness of commitment.

Who doubts that this toughness is one of man's greatest needs? Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think. - Dr. Martin Luther King

In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope? I'm not talking about blind optimism here... No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a millworker's son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too. The audacity of hope! - President Elect Barack Hussein Obama

There is not a liberal America and a conservative America — there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America — there's the United States of America. - President Elect Barack Hussein Obama

Here's to that man.  Here's to all of us.  Yes we can.  Yes we did. 

Yes we will.

the blog identity

i woke up, sheets twisted and slightly damp. mid-leap over a tall building, running. the bad men were coming....

the dream was full of all of you. an underground network of bloggers trying to save the world. some of you were not as lucky as others as the web of intrigue spun itself in circles all over the world. one of you was driving a car very fast. way too fast. another was making a hand off: a secret double chambered pocketbook (espionage yarns cannot use the word purse, people) went into the hands of the guy we thought was on our side but perhaps turned out not to be. one of you spoke perfect french and was as exotic a creature as i've ever seen. another of you lost a finger. that part sucked. sorry about that.

twisty curvy. some of you were fleeting and others in and out of my consciousness all dream long which felt like it went on all night long. at the end I have no idea if we thwarted the evil crime ring but I do know we were trying really, really hard. And we were pretty damn smart about it.

And we were hot. oh daddy-o....crimefighting bloggers are smoking.

a beautiful sun

On the way to school today M asked me to play Ooh Child. I turned it on and she kept saying louder mommy so I kept turning it up till it was blaring at a volume which I never play music, especially when she is in the car. I turned back to look at her and she was looking at me, smiling widely and singing along. I turned back to the road, felt the sun on my face and had a moment of extraordinary bliss. My girl and I rocking the house.

Mayberry turned me onto The Family Sabbatical Handbook the other day and when it arrived today I immediately began devouring it. While the author had a bit more cash and a different sort of approach to a year abroad (one place rather than a few, a more methodical (smarter) approach than we've developed so far) it was her intro that grabbed me. I turned to J in the kitchen and read it aloud:

For as long as we've been a family, we've been trying to figure out how to live more intensely and creatively as a family and how to forge the kind of elusive, intimate bonds that seem to be the very essence of being a family. We had assumed this bonding would come naturally. But when we looked for role models we didn't find them. Amidst the corrosive effects of the hectic lives we all seemed to lead everyone we knew had similar complaints. There was a vague sense that the best of life was slipping away and we were powerless to do anything about it. There was simply never enough time or psychic space to savor the marriages, the children, the good lives we were all working so hard to make. It begun to sink in that we would never find this time unless we created it for ourselves.

And we looked at each other and we knew. This is exactly how we feel, and exactly the course of action we want to take. We know we don't know what we are doing or how it's going to unfold but we are going to try. For better or for worse. For joy, dumbassery and wrinkled clothes.

Many things depend on this, the next 12 months of our jobs most of all. Our plan is based on external factors, ones we can't quite control. So we'll hold the universe in question and challenge it to say yes to this, yes to this one small dream amidst so many other worthy and important dreams of so many others. So we've set out tonight with a simple yes and in turn, begin the ups and downs of the long journey to the tarmac.

Someday we'll get it together and well get it undone

Someday when the world is much brighter

Someday we'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun

O-o-h child things are gonna get easier

O-o-h child things will get brighter..

round and round

we've been on a mission for the last two years. a mission to become debt free and own as little as possible and we are almost there. we will be in a position to leave our work in about 12 months, this coming from stories that are long and hard won and are better told in person.

if you've been reading for any length of time you know we want to end up in Belize, but we've been contemplating a detour for awhile now and are close to the choosing. The detour is practical in some ways, we still don't know how to live permanently in Belize and the thought of going and coming back isn't really what we had in mind.

we are considering selling everything we own and put the rest in storage and hitting the road. around the world for a year, the year before M starts school and responsibilities beckon. the year of living in flats or guesthouses around the world soaking it in.

going with a child means certain things; longer stays in one place, less travel time in between. we keep going back to the same places. South Africa (Hel, I wasn't kidding earlier about coming to see you but I wonder how you feel about us sleeping on your lawn), Morocco, India, Laos. Or a South American journey, starting at the top and ending at the bottom. Longer periods of time in each place, flats rented by the month. Less around the world than travelling north and south in big chunks of it.

and already the fear creeps in, international sicknesses and doing right by M. what we are leaving and what we will return to. all of that seems manageable for the most part, we feel pretty comfortable that we can easily find work when it's over, might not be the best work the first time around, but we know we can find it. we know where we live now is not our home, we have no remorse setting it free. we know the open road creates possibilities, who knows what we'll find or where we'll end up.

it's the great unknown, of taking the leap, of looking at security and americana and laughing in it's face. of strange places and food, of dusty roads and washing clothes in the sink. of showing M the world, the hard bits and the good bits, of getting rid of the TV and living simply. of carrying our lives on our backs for a while. of doing something off the rails.

we've always dreamed of this and J has done it in his youth. having M requires shifts in thinking but i remind myself there are many families in the places we want to go, that it is indeed possible to live outside the box for awhile. others do it and do it well.

it's a long way off yet, a year from now i hope to be posting about selling our cars and the seventh garage sale in a row. but it takes time to figure this sort of thing out, to map our journey and consider our options. to close up shop and sing kumbayah. more than that it takes time to say yes and mean it, to choose this freedom over the illusion of security and capitalism, To rid ourselves of the ingrained notion that one needs to produce and consume to be a contributing member of the planet. and essentially to put our money where our mouth is, to see how ballsy we really are or if we are just a lot of hot air.

breakfast with bill

Yesterday I had the good fortune of being invited to a small fundraiser for Hillary Clinton. It was at a fancy house high on a hill, political officials, wealthy democrats and a generous serving of secret service men all rounded out the venue.

I had been invited on a fluke - I am not a mover or a shaker, I have not contributed financially, I have not publicly declared my allegiance to her campaign. But a colleague who fits the above asked me to join him and I happily agreed because I am a big fan of Bill. He was the first and last president I believed in in my lifetime. He sparked my fascination in politics and gave me someone to cheer for. He showed us that the ordinary can become extraordinary. That perseverance can make a difference. Sure, he was villified by the conservative left and made a few stupid mistakes, but the sum of this man has always impressed me and inspired me to do more.

The environment was tense; everyone wanted a piece of him and to be honest, myself included. I feel strongly, as strongly as a young girl dreams about ponies, that I should come work for his foundation. The Clinton Foundation is doing tremendous work around HIV/AIDS in Asia and Africa and I've long wanted to be a part of it (and indeed I have tried, I've lamented before about not being able to find my path into international relief work.) And I've not given up, universe. I will not give up.

Sadly, I didn't have a chance to talk about that, another pony dream crashes to the ground. But I did get to stand with him and listen to him talk about why Hillary would make a good leader. About how leadership requires listening and bi-partisan support. About poverty and bridging the divide. That we have a chance to become someone the world likes again. Once again I am inspired to do more, to not give up. To believe change is possible. After his speech he was able to take 4-5 questions and I was fortunate enough for one of those to be mine.

I spontaneously raised my hands among the throng of others. I was very close to the podium (that picture isn't magnified) when he looked right at me, smiled and pointed. At me. Dude.

Mr. President, I've worked with homeless men, women and children for the past decade. You've talked a lot today about bridging the divide domestically and internationally. About poverty and illness. But you haven't mentioned housing. To me, all the health care policy in the world won't be effective without also addressing the lack of affordable housing. What are your thoughts on what can be done?

And he listened and nodded and said good question with a smile. His eye contact is spectacular, my knees were starting to wobble. He responded eloquently about the mistakes being made right now in regards to public housing and to the efforts he is personally making in New Orleans. To be honest, I was so in the moment with this man that I forgot the rest of his answer because for a minute those 200 or so other people disappeared and time stood still. And what I should have included was I would be happy to help you with this. But I didn't and the moment shifted and time moved on.

I am not a mover or a shaker. I am just a girl with a desire to do more. To work in Asia or Africa and be a part of solutions and policy and programs there. To see an end to homelessness. I don't want fame or fortune. But I do want to be a part of something bigger - that when all is said and done I can leave this world feeling like I contributed to it being a better place. I want to lead by example so M has something to believe in and hopefully, a better world to grow old in. A place where children live more equitably, in health and homes and schools.

And for a brief moment in time I felt that energy and it's potential. Standing in the face of extraordinary leadership can do that to a girl. And all that talk about charisma is exactly right.

Not bad at all for an ordinary Sunday morning in June.

dude

i don't know this man, this man who walked into the room and headed straight for me. i don't know this man, this incredibly gorgeous man with dark hair and enough stubble to hurt my face.
i don't know why he lifts me onto the desk or why he starts kissing me without even speaking, but i know that in this moment i want these kisses, this man, more than anything i've ever wanted in my life. i float outside the embrace and see the pairing, delicious, slow, restrained in a way that is merely marking time, the ferociousness of it won't allow the restraint for much longer, this man, who is this man, who gives a shit who this man is as long as he doesn't stop.

in the background i notice a noise, distracted but still full of this man my mind drifts, i recognize this sound, a whimpering that rises louder. i push this away, this distraction from this man, but it grows louder. i see myself pausing, the embrace gains some distance as my mind works to place this sound that doesn't fit into this small room with this dark haired man, his hands....

mommy, MOMMY, wake UP! help me! WAKE UP!

dammit. the man fades as my consciousness rises. my child is awake.

five more minutes would have been really, really nice.

There is still plenty of time to donate to Open Arms Home as part of our May Just Post Roundtable. As of today we've raised over $915.00! (Mad has a giving thermometer going over her way that shows $650 as the total for last night but that will be updated today with our new figure). Thank you to everyone who has given so far, it's amazing what we can do in just 36 hours.

Also, don't forget to send me your Just Post links by the 7th to girlplustwo(at)yahoo(dot)com. All of the posts for Open Arms and the Just Posts will be featured on the 10th.

timing is everything

Wow. You should know I read and re-read all of your comments and felt so much better. If for nothing else, to know I am not alone and there is a place I can go and say these things and have them received in this way.

Invaluable. Thank you.

And then, the ever so lovely De said: I'm not responsible for another person's emotions, even when I am responsible for everything else about that person, including helping her understand and appropriately demonstrate her emotions.

And fireworks went off. This is exactly my problem. I FEEL responsible. And what a concept, De, to back down off that box and take a breather. I can't make everyone happy. All I can do is keep showing up. And lean on others when I need to.

I've had a whirlwind couple of days. Something I want so very much is brewing, but I think it'll take another week or so to sort itself out and it will either be the most amazing thing I've ever experienced in my life, or life will go on as usual.

And in a week, I'll be sitting in an El Salvadorian cafe drinking an ice cold beer and most likely missing M. The blessing and the curse of having your heart walk around outside of your body. It hurts when it's not there. No matter how many irregular heartbeats it causes.

Ironic, that.

dreamy

Your responses to yesterday's post were fantastic. I felt emboldened all day. I called the head of the ER discharge person's hospital (thank you, google) and left him a message about what happened and said I'd prefer to speak verbally before lodging a formal complaint. Flies with honey, sugars, flies with honey. But honey runs out tomorrow.

I swung by one of the shelters after picking up M. In her words to help people no home go sleepytime (which, by the way, made me prouder than any other single thing this child has ever done in her life) and by chance, a reporter was there, so without naming names I gave him the particulars, and he is interested (any chance to slam someone) in learning more. Out of respect for the person in charge, I'll give it a day to see if he is willing to work with me.

The poor old man in question ended up choking on his own saliva in the middle of the night and had to be rushed by ambulance back to the hospital. I didn't learn about that till after I'd already posted yesterday - I wonder how he's doing, and if we'll see him again.

This feels like a bland and boring post - I think because I am feeling bland and boring. I've worked a lot of extra hours this week and I am so freaking tired. I've been on 24 hour call for 6 days now. And yet there is no real time to catch up between the rest of my job and the nonstoppery of my love child.

I crave a room to myself, with a soft bed and a good book.

A girl can dream. It may not be as important as other dreams, but we all have them, big and small, coming and going. This is my coming and going dream today.

Tell me yours.