two

M turned two yesterday. Her delicious yumminess of a papaya roll is actually two.

Year One was really difficult for me. I spent most of the year nursing and/or pumping, crying, wide awake at 3am and stressed out. I felt like we had survived something when she turned one. I mean really survived. Year Two has been much easier - I've come to terms with being a mother. I now think beyond her basic needs and what it truly means to mother a child. I've often felt a bit lost, going through the motions but not really understanding what being a mother means, or what kind of example I want to be. This year it's all gotten clearer - my desire for M to see the world in all shapes and colors, to see beyond her daily routine and hopefully wonder and explore and be filled with mystery. To love people who act or look different than she does, to see the grey between the black and white, and to hunger for more. I want her to see her mother as a multi-dimensional being - one who loves a great glass of red wine, who turns her on to music she might love, who loves the jungle, and who puts herself out there and does her part to make it a better place.

And M makes it easy. Her open heart and bubbling curiousity never ceases to amaze me. Her constant deep belly laughs, her sly sense of humor, and her kindness towards others are remarkable, and while I am her mother, I still objectively believe they are unique.

And to my lover, partner, and friend - J-dog has been beside me every step of the way, from the minute M was pulled into this world till now - always loving, always trying, and always showing up, no matter how tired or sick or worn out he may be. What a blessing to watch a good man become a tremendous father - and what a lucky child we have. Mistakes aside, we've made ourselves a family, and it's very, very good.

Happy Birthday, M. Thank you for teaching me how to love someone so deeply I often feel like I could go crazy from the depth of it all. You've been patient, you're up for every adventure we throw your way, and you are simply magnificient. I love you, baby girl.