choice

I often forget that I have choice. That I am not relegated to mother, worker, partner, do-er. I place inordinate amounts of pressure on myself to keep the balls in the air, to have all the answers, to keep the train on it's course.

While this may sound like control, trust me when I say it's colored a bit differently. For me, it's shades of self definition, of shame, of insecurity. As if I truly MUST do these things in order to retain my worth. That if I don't keep my agreements, I will be letting others down. And that is something I have a very hard time doing.

Lately I am tipping the breaking point. I am no longer able to keep myself in order. I am frayed at the edges and coming loose at the seams. I've lost my creativity and I fear my passion is next. So I poured a large glass of red wine and tried to explain myself, through tears, to J-Dog tonight. His solution was to skip over what I was feeling, and to focus on what I can do. Change jobs, move, and so on. Good ideas. Really. Let me get right the fuck on that, right after I am done falling down.

Unfortunately, that is not what I need tonight. So I've taken my big glass of wine, shut myself in a seperate room, lit some candles, and turned my thoughts inward (and to you). I am listening to the Innocence Mission, a band I haven't turned on in a decade. And I am remembering who I used to be.

I know that I am not stuck. I know I will find my way. What I yearn for is the inner courage to push the magic button and step into the void. The unknown next road, perhaps less travelled, or maybe crowded along the way. It doesn't much matter and that part is rather sweet.

I am going to be shaking things up, as it's become a matter of survival rather than desire. And once I wrap my arms around it, I know I will be able to embrace it for the journey it is. And I'll share the love.

But tonight I need to be still, and cry, and be afraid. Morning will come soon enough.

PS.
I can't thank you all enough for your response to my last post. What an honor to be amongst all of you.
I am in awe - and you remind me that we can change the world, or at least kick it in the shin on the side of good.