down the rabbit hole

This one's for you, Thailand Gal.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted something different. And until recently, I haven't known where that might lead. And while I can muster up some courage occasionally, I still like to have some sort of a plan. Or at least an escape route.

But when the crisis is spiritual, having a plan is much harder to come by.

Simply put - my spirit is incongruent to life in the US. The capitalism, the production and consumption and pursuit of the individual simply does not work for me. I realize it works quite well for some, and moderately well for others. And that is fine. If it works for you, that works for me. Because at the bottom of each day and belief and word that I speak I geniunely hope for the happiness and peace of heart for others. It's one of the things I truly hope and wish for. I'm happy if you are happy, because life is blessed struggle enough without other people chiming in. Period.

But this place doesn't make me happy. What does make me happy is indigenous culture. And open space. And community based mentality. And less technology. And markets on the sides of roads. And growing your own food. And not going to war. And not destabilizing third world countries for a selfish gain.

So for me, jumping into the void is having the courage to turn my back on all the things I was taught I was supposed to want and to give it all up for a life of precious little in the way of material goods and long term financial security. And to feel that I am being courageous in doing so. And while still believing I am a good mother for doing it to M.

But it still scares me. And sometimes I interpret that fear to be a sign. Danger. Bad Mommy. Suck it up and deal. Don't you know how blessed you are. No place is perfect. Get over it. Quit yer bitchin'.

But then I feel sick all over again. Because when the crisis is spiritual it doesn't let you forget, and it doesn't lie dormant for long. Our spirits crave peace and harmony, and mine is hungry, and gnawing on my bones. And the ache keeps me awake late into the night, searching for that wrong-eyed jesus.

A slow sort of country! Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to stay in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run twice as fast as that.—Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland