hard on the outside

I am seeing more homeless folks around than usual and each time it's like a whack in the head. The grocery store had four or five folks strategically sitting at various entrances and exits. As M and I left we stopped to give some money to a woman holding up a sign that simply said: Spare?

After I handed her a couple bucks I asked do you have a place to stay tonight? She replied some might call me homeless. I was staying at a place that closed down, and now I have to make $37.00 a day in order to pay for my share of a hotel room or I am stuck outside. After I removed the knife from my head I said that's a hard life, friend - you know, I work with people who need housing. I might be able to help. She replied Oh, really? You think? You know, I can sing. I can even dance a little. I am a bit of an artist.

Sister, maybe I might be able to help. Give me a call if you want to try something different than this. I most certainly do, she said. Her voice was so beautiful, lyrical, sweet. A grandmotherly type of woman who you just know in different circumstances makes a nice pot of tea. I'd sure love to hear her sing.

Sometimes I feel like I could go ballistic...a renegade wingnut rounding everyone up in my old civic and taking them to a shelter, or better yet, to go scream at City Hall. It's this strange fiery brew inside of me that is in actuality a selfish clucking pile of limp spaghetti left out on the counter from the night before. I can't bring myself to transport anyone in my car with M in it because the one off chance of it going sideways is too much to risk. I am not yelling on the steps of our civic leaders alone or with others; I haven't done that in years. I am hazy and befuddled, angry in the wrong places. The knife stays put, wedged deep in my head. M asked what you doing mommy? Who is her? What you give her mommy? We gave her some money so she can sleep in a bed tonight, baby, just like you and me.

I wonder if M wonders why we leave people standing on corners instead of bringing them home with us. I wonder how I'll answer when she finally asks me why that is.

It's time for our fourth Just Post Roundtable. If you have a post of yours or one you've appreciated that was written by someone else, please send them my way (to girlplustwo (at) yahoo(dot) com) by April 7th and I'll send you the button. Go on. It's good for the soul.

We'll link all posts and anyone who refers one (or more) in our Just Post Roundtable on the 10th. If this is new to you, please feel free to check it out here. All Just Posts will also be featured in The Whole Mom webzine every month.