Thursday, January 03, 2008

the last and first day

It's not my story. From two degrees away I've known her, the intense decline of someone else's friend and valued employee to the brink of madness. It's not me who watched her decompensate, going from helping others to desperately needing help, seeing her fall through the rabbit hole, the lengthly hospitalization, the medications, the despair. It's not me who watched her climb up on a tall building not too far from here on the first day of this new year, the anniversary of her birth. It's not me who watched her jump and fall. But her death has touched people I care for, folks who had tried to pick up the pieces for awhile now and this final rebuke cuts to the quick. The constant replaying, the grasping at straws.

I want to be less morose, full of joy and introspection. I really do.

41 comments:

Ruth Dynamite said...

Awful.

So sorry, Jen.

ewe are here said...

Some people just can't be helped, no matter how hard their friends and loved ones try.

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to your friends.

cce said...

They have to want to be well, there's no wanting that for them, no willing it hard enough. It's just to easy to take a life, in a bad moment, in a whiff of despair. I'm sorry. Wishing her loved ones strength and her friends forgiveness.

kristen said...

the line we all walk is so thin...my heart hurts for her, that that was her only choice. my heart hurts for those she left behind.

thordora said...

I've felt that urge, heard that voice in my head. Knowing you're losing everything in your life....horrible, absolutely horrible, for them, and the people around them.

Peace my friend.

Her Grace said...

I'm sorry. Peace for your friends. And you.

Sober Briquette said...

Oh Jen. I'm sorry. For some, this life holds more pain than beauty, no matter how hard and in different ways they try.

Gwen said...

Ish. I'm sorry, Jen.

Cecilieaux said...

A beautiful post. Sometimes the most jarring events happen near people who can write about them, so they will be noted. You've done a superb job of leaving your friend's footprint on the sands of time.

slouching mom said...

Oh my God, jen. This is EXACTLY what I'm dealing with now. It's agonizing.

I'm so sorry.

flutter said...

I've been on the other side of this coin. Watching all of the eyes of those who love me, watching me, waiting for the one thing that will toss me over the edge.

The truth is? That was probably the only thing that could have brought her what she felt she needed, and while it's such a final answer to such a temporary problem, now her soul is in her own hands.

It doesn't help, and these things are just unfair. I am sorry for the hurt. So so sorry.

thailandchani said...

It's something I've come very close to doing .. and a relative finally did. It comes from being unable to see any other options. At the same time, everyone has his or her own path and there's no way we can know what it is - or why. I hope she has found peace.

patches said...

Not owning the story doesn't mean you're immune from being affected...or that you shouldn't be.
<3

Sandra said...

When we hear stories like this, even from afar, it stops us in our tracks. Reminds us how fragile life is. How fragile we all are. It's hard to be full of the new year optimism when the world is full of so many stories like this. But we know these stories for important reasons. Different reasons for everyone but big ones. Big hugs to you my friend. Glad to be back reading my favourite woman xoxox

Mad Hatter said...

I'm sorry, Jen.

Julie Pippert said...

How tragic.

Julie
Using My Words

wheelsonthebus said...

There are many things in life I do not understand, but I think if I tried really hard I could sort of see the other person's point of view. Except this. I do not understand doing this.

I am sorry to hear it.

Emily

meno said...

Oh babe, how sad, how utterly sad.

Gina said...

That's so sad. My sympathies.

Joker The Lurcher said...

its a horrible, horrible thing, suicide. i feel for your friends.

Oh, The Joys said...

I'm so sorry, jen.

Tabba said...

I'm so sorry. What words are there for such things? My heart goes out to you all and it wishes that maybe she has found peace.

Family Adventure said...

I'm terribly sorry, Jen, for your friends who tried so hard. And most of all for her, who was not able to find any joy in life.

Hugs, Heidi

QT said...

Oh jen, I am sorry. I have watched it, too.

Jennifer said...

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. Sending thoughts for peace and healing.

Amy Y said...

Dude. Oh Mama, this sucks. Sorry to hear about it... you are in my thoughts. :(

alejna said...

That is so terrible, so tragic. I feel for your friends, and for you. I'm so sorry.

Lisa b said...

oh Jen I'm sorry.

KC said...

Mental illness absolutely terrifies me. I wish it weren't this way for so many.

TIV: the individual voice said...

There but for the grace of I don't know what have gone I as well as thirty years of my psychotherapy patients with not a one actually "successful" at an attempt. Talk about gratitude. For years I would tell myself that if one of my patients committed suicide, I would quit being a therapist. I thankfully haven't had to find out if I actually would quit.

Jenn said...

My sympathies all around, and my love to you.

Seattle Mamacita said...

thinking of you and your friends.

Wayfarer Scientista said...

oh, jen. It doesn't make it any easier does it?

bgirl said...

this is such a sad thing,i'm so sorry jen.

Jocelyn said...

I am always amazed that you remain as positive as you do.

You help to balance all the tragedy in the world.

Kellan said...

I have someone close to me that reminds me of this woman - no matter what we do, it never seems to be the answer. It is a shame. It is very sad. I'm sorry for all those that loved her. Take care. Kellan

painted maypole said...

oh jen.

I have no words.

mamatulip said...

Aw, Jen.

Sending you peace.

Janet said...

I hate it when the shiny New Year becomes tinged with tragedy so soon.

thinking of you.

the end of motherhood said...

Sounds like a plan.

The Expatriate Chef said...

I hope your new year gets better, and for this woman, that she at least got the peace she was looking for, I just never want it to go that way for someone, does not matter if I know them or not.