Tuesday, April 01, 2008

nobody told me there'd be days like these

So it happened right there in the baking aisle. I see her as I'm pushing my cart around the corner, she falls grabbing boxes on her way to the floor. I abandon my cart and run down the aisle. I slip as I get close to her, BAM, my ass hits the floor.

Holy Shit, I think her waters have broken. I'm sliding on amniotic fluid. She's on the floor, her face in a grimace. I think I'm in labor, she gasps.

Holy Shit. Call 911! I yell and no one comes. Call 911! I yell again, a woman walked around the corner, walked past. What the hell, I think. What the hell?! I make a mental note to find that walker byer and give her a piece of my mind.

You need to go to the hospital, I say. No, she says. I've got to push right now. She asks me to sit between her legs, by now there are several folks gathered around and at least two of them are calling 911. Is there a doctor in the house I say, feeling slightly funny but also sort of psyched that I get to say such a thing out loud.

You've got to hold on, if you water just broke there's no way the baby's coming yet I say. Bitch, she says, you don't know what you are talking about. I've had three other babies exactly like this. Alrighty then, you cow, I think. Deliver the kid on top of Duncan Hines himself for all I care. But I choose not to say any of this out loud.

She tells me I need to help her, that the baby is coming and I need to help. Uh uh, I think, I don't even know your name and yet I dutifully assume the position. She hikes her skirt up and starts screaming. I start screaming too, along the lines of where are the goddamn paramedics! and the other customers are running around back and forth, one of them rips open a package of dishtowels and hands them to me. Another is holding her hand. This is freaking insane.

We hear the sirens so the ambulance must be close. But not close enough. I glance down and see the head, the baby's head is coming out. Holy shit I say out loud, here it comes! And pop, a shoulder, then two, and out slithers a...wait for it...ah, a baby boy!

A boy born in the baking aisle. Mom is done screaming and the paramedics come running down the aisle. I hand them the slippery dishtoweled baby and they shoo me out of the way. Some thanks I get, I think and move to the side and look for my cart. My purse is still in it, that makes me happy because you know, it could have been stolen in the the ruckus.

As they are taking the mom away I run up to her, name him Duncan! I say and she looks at me sideways as if we've never met.

70 comments:

jen said...

APRIL FOOLS, DUDES.

You didn't think I'd let the day end without trying to punk you, did you?

flutter said...

You are such a dork! I love it.

ZOLOFT MOM said...

ha ha! that's hilarious! i was laughing out loud reading your post, thinking "this is the best story ever!!" and calling out excerpts to my husband in the kitchen. you got me! damn. i didn't know i was so easy ..

you rule. this is the first time i've been to your blog and i'm hooked.

Family Adventure said...

Brilliant. I'm reading this on the 2nd, so I was entitled to believe. But kinda glad it wasn't true, because that - imaginary - woman was too rude :)

Heidi

Blog Antagonist said...

You got me. You totally got me. I was like "Damn, nothing exciting like that ever happens to me."

kristen said...

holy balls, i totally fell for it. no fair! i'm such a gullible cow - duncan indeed. xo

Beck said...

The one Duncan I actually have known literally thought his last named was Doughnuts until he was 10.

Bea said...

Since I'm reading this on April 2, there was that brief moment at the end of the post when the expected "just kidding" didn't materialize when I thought, "Whaaaat?" Then I checked the date stamp.

Her Grace said...

I got about halfway through and thought...wait a minute, what's the date on this post?

Very nicely done.

Annie said...

Good one!

I couldn't help thinking that your 'thoughts' about her being a cow etc - were so unlike your usual sensitivity lol!

liv said...

you bitch.

Bob said...

you almost had me - but I was sure it was a prank at the last line.

name him duncan, indeed.

Bon said...

laughing my ass off, dude.

i so bought you. so totally bought you.

hmmm....Duncan's a very nice name, though...

cinnamon gurl said...

You totally had me (well with a few Seriously?!?'s) until you told the woman to name her baby Duncan. I thought you would never do that.

Andrea said...

You totally got me--especially after you already posted an april fool's post.

metro mama said...

Dude! You had me until the last sentence!

Kelly said...

Consider me punked. I'm such a gullible idiot.

Gina said...

I was completely fooled. Even after the "Duncan", I didn't realize it (though I thought you had lost your mind).

heather said...

Oh Jen, at least I didn't read this until April 2nd. You got me, but I'm in a much better mood today so I could laugh a self-deprecating laugh. =)

s@bd said...

LMAO - DUNCAN??!!

BA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

alejna said...

Oh, damn you. You got me. Of course, it's Wednesday now, and I didn't notice the date on the post.

You are a funny, funny woman. I was just telling John about your work April Fools antics of previous years. How could I not have seen it coming?

Sober Briquette said...

Damn. I was already baking a birthday cake for the little dude.

radical mama said...

Name him Duncan. LOL!

Madge said...

it was to perfect.

Mrs. Chicken said...

i bought it, hook line and sinker. and you win for best comment on my garbage post! :)

sam said...

I bought it until you *apparently* told her to name the child Duncan...after that I KNEW I had to check the date of the post. LOL

Good one!

patches said...

I was really hoping this was true. It would have made me feel better about a cousin's girlfriend who wasn't aware she was seven months pregnant. Seriously.

Amy Y said...

Oh, thank god that was a joke!!

Great story though :) I especially liked the part where she called you a bitch and said she'd already done it 3 times!

Ally said...

Jen, you little shit! This had me going. Thanks for the laughs!

Julie Pippert said...

I was reading this thinking, damn, that Jen has some life, the things that happen around her! Then I got to the part where your purse was still there and then you chased her to name him Duncan and I was all PUNK'D! LOL

I mean, why those things triggered me to not believe it I have no clue.

But I read it in Reader so did not even see your comment until I came over here to verify the joke.

LOL

Probably one of the best!

Janet said...

You had me until Name him Duncan, sly one.

Velma said...

I swear to God - right up until the "name him Duncan" part, you had me. Excellent one!

QT said...

You had me up until she called you a bitch - then I was like, hmm, what is the date on this?

Love it!

Deezee said...

on your blog, this was completely plausible (except for your purse still being in your cart!) let's face it, these things just seem to happen to you!

painted maypole said...

ha ha. fun!

Mayberry said...

Hell yeah I believed it, but the post date did give me pause...

Defiantmuse said...

I don't get the Duncan reference?

I was all, duuuude, shut up! Jen didn't mention anything to ME about something as huge as CATCHING A BABY IN THE GROCERY STORE!!!

LOL. totally forgot it was April Fool's....

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Ya got me. Damn.

Sizzle said...

The whole time I am thinking, I hope they name him Duncan. And then you said it.

HA!

petite gourmand said...

too funny...I thought it sounded a bit too crazy to be real.
Then again, stranger things have happened.
(especially in California I suspect)

PeterAtLarge said...

Nobody told me... I love that song! Was listening to it all the way through your story. Thanks for the laugh!

David said...

SUCKED RIGHT IN!
Damn you my new friend. I TRUSTED YOU!!
Great stuff!
Rocked my day.
David

Angela said...

I was totally sucked in too, thanks for making me laugh at my own gullible self.

Jennifer said...

See, today is APRIL 2. APRIL 2, friend. So I totally believed you and was thinking, dammit, jen has all the luck! Because, yeah. APRIL 2nd. Hee.

mamatulip said...

OH MY GOD you totally had me. Jeebus.

Mad said...

You are so funny.

jennifer said...

Well... my water really did break in the middle of a department store. I was trying on a hat. I actually bought that hat.

NotSoSage said...

Ah, dude. I had to check the date to make sure this wasn't written yesterday, and it was. It made me so sad, I wanted to write, "Dude. No fucking way you delivered a baby before I did. No fucking way."

Oh, The Joys said...

You TOTALLY had me. I didn't catch on (but then, I'm reading it on the SECOND.)

ha!

Pgoodness said...

I seriously stopped half way through to check the date, and then when I got to the name him Duncan, I couldn't stop laughing!

nomotherearth said...

You totally got me!! But then, I'm reading it on the 2nd...

TEOM said...

I was completely suckered. Bravo.

slouching mom said...

You are GOOD.

But you wouldn't have encouraged her to name her child after a conglomerate, would you? ;)

Magpie said...

You rock, Jen. Totally.

Nicely done.

(See and I'm gullible, but then, I was reading this on the 3rd.)

Kyla said...

Oh you! You had me going!

Deb said...

Holy shit. I miss a couple of days reading and you deliver a baby. Dude, you rock!

Deb said...

Yeah, I should have read the comments first. Dude, you suck!

cynematic said...

Dang, you got me! That was a great one! Just as I was thinking, "No good deed goes unpunished...maybe she didn't like the name Duncan?"

Ha!

Tis I. said...

HOLEYSHITE, JEN! I wasn't here, on the first, but you Totally got me, today! I was like, "I want This girl's crazy life! What Doesn't happen to her!! OMG! She Delivered a Baby! AND TOLD THE MOTHER TO NAME HIM DUNCAN!! ROFL!"

And then.

LOL!

You were foolin'!?!

Omgosh.. lol!

That. Was. Awesome.

Wayfarer Scientista said...

Laugh! That would be awesome...especially the Duncan part.

ScienceGirl said...

Duncan! HAHAHA!

carrie said...

You totally got me.

Even four days later because I'm gullible like that.

bgirl said...

you crazy funny bitch - you TOTALLY had me. which is cool, just for the mere fact i spit my coffee out over the "cow" comment.

kgirl said...

oh my god. i hate you.

Ron Davison said...

The weirdest thing? This exact thing happened to me in the grocery store - only in reverse. Sort of. A couple procreated in about the same time and, oddly, with about the same reception and level of commotion.
(P.S. - well done prank.)

wheelsonthebus said...

I think that is the first time I every actually caught on to an April Fool's prank!

Little Monkies said...

Totally bought it until the "Duncan" but I didn't think "April Fool's"...I thought "MAN, Jen is crazy. Maybe I should read what she writes with a grain of salt". Hugs, mama.

lildb said...

makes for a damn fine short story, though. I mean, and how.

cereal.

capacious said...

You are fucking brilliant. I think I love you. Platonically. I think.

Arwen said...

That was brilliant. This is the third grocery store post i have read and I think I read them in the perfect order. There was a great movie that came out a few years ago that went backwards. Momento! I feel like I just experienced the market posts backwards, like Momento.

PS - I am on my second glass of wine and have 12 more posts...the comments may get silly.