thick as thieves

He's back. And this time he brought her a toy pop gun. As much as I want to strangle him I am sitting now grinning while eavesdropping as they have a slumber party of sorts, with M keeping him up too late telling stories and making up jokes. He's falling asleep on her but he is hanging in, his adoration is obvious and M is in her element. I try and break them up, it's way past her bedtime and everyone is tired but then I see them sitting there, she's talking his ears off and he cannot get enough.

It's the beginning of a long weekend, a early birthday party celebration for M who turns four in a few weeks. She'll have family and friends and all lights will shine upon her and she'll preen for the camera and dance around the table and laugh her delicious belly laugh for hours on end. It's all hers, this weekend belongs to her and as such we'll let her run a bit faster and push a bit harder because if there is ever a weekend rules were made to be broken it's this one right here.
photo taken last weekend by the lovely Defiant Muse

the last american cowboy

Some of you have posted beautifully lately on hearing the wisdom of those you've lost after they've gone. It's moved me, so much so I can barely get through your posts without breaking down crying. It's moved me because my grandfather see, I always thought he'd come back for me too.

I loved him fiercely. In a broken extended and dysfunctional family he reigned supreme, with a quick and fiery mouth and for most of his life a ready fist for anyone who got in his way (women and children excluded of course). His family was the most important thing to him on earth and never found the words to express it, he'd show it by giving everyone a hard time in an incredibly funny sort of way. He grew up rough, 11 brothers, poor, the bluest of collars. He had my mom early, he was sixteen years old and as such she grew up inside pool halls, watching his hands gripping a pool cue and a wrench with equal acumen.

I was the oldest of a mess of grandkids and we were closer because of it. I loved him fiercely, even as he made mistakes I only saw the grandeur of his honesty, the raw authenticity of a man who grew up in the streets. As I grew older we'd made our own way, I'd spend hours with him in his old barn, sharing a beer and pawing through endless miles of acquired junk. We'd talk about how much he loved his family. There was no bullshit between us and he was indefatigable, this man who could kick everyone's ass and as he grew older mellowed a bit but never really all the way.

When he was diagnosed with cancer we were all in shock. It came violently and without mercy, stripping him of his vigor in a way none of us could have imagined. One of the last times I was alone with him in the barn we talked candidly, him giving me a hard time for not settling down and telling me that was one of the reasons he was still hanging on, to make sure I didn't settle for a piece of shit. By some divine intervention and not too long after I'd met J.


His wife called me one day and said she didn't think there was much more time. She said it would be a good idea to make the long trip back and to do it soon. By then I'd only known J for a few weeks but I invited him to come and I was honest, I don't know where this is going but it seems pretty good. I want you to come and meet the old man. So we travelled a long road trip and climbed to the top of his dusty mountain and when I introduced him to my grandfather I said the same. It's not been too long yet but it might be something and I need you to size him up. And I knew he would too, there was one guy deep in my youth who he met and actually threw out of the house, the poor guy wasn't doing anything wrong and yet my grandfather had a sense, he actually opened the door and said you can get the hell out and you need to stop seeing my granddaughter too. At the time I was pissed and a few months later I'd realized exactly what he was trying to tell me that day and he was absolutely right.

The day I brought J to meet him my grandfather did something he hadn't done in months, he pulled on his cowboy boots and hat and enormous belt buckle and took J for a long walk, they scoured the property and my grandfather showed him all the things that were most important to him from his homemade cemetery to the cross on the top of the highest hill. My grandfather as was his way made no pretense I'm seeing if you are good enough for her, because I'm going to be dead soon and no one else here will kick your ass if you aren't so I'll have to do it before I go. But when they came back several hours later my grandfather looked at me, he's alright, girl. I think you might be right about this one. He's better than all those other dumbshits you brought out here. And I remember I started crying, not because of what this might mean in terms of me and J but because I knew he'd be dying soon, one less thing to keep his stubborn body alive.

He died a few weeks later and I've never heard from him since. I always thought he'd come to me, our love was so fierce and long I had assumed it would transcend death. But I still can't hear him and I wonder if I ever will. I've got no doubt he's busy, there are probably fights to be had and darts to throw where he is but I wish he'd let me know he's still paying attention. Because every day, old man, every single day of my life I still miss you and wish we could have just one more day in the barn.

everybody gets a vacation

We've had a lot of family in town over the past month, grandparents, uncle, other grandparents. M's nana is in town now and will be for a little while, she hasn't seen M in a long time so the reunion was sweet. And quickly taken advantage of by M. Namely with a pouty face and a no one's buying me anything which causes grandparents to salivate and leap to attention and parents to have a heart attack that their child is actually acting that spoiled. All I know is someone is in for a big let down once everyone finally clears out.

Overheard this morning:
Nana: M, why are you dragging your baby around by it's neck?
M: It's not my BABY, it's my KITTY!
Nana: oh, but it's not a kitty it's your baby.
M: PRETEND! Nana!
Nana: oh, ok, why are you dragging your kitty around by it's neck?
M: It's DEAD, Nana.

(crickets)

dude

you know, it's cool. i totally respect that you only get to see your grandchild a few times a year, so when you get off the plane with a load of plasticky crap and fashion model dolls i can deal. i've already hidden those fashion model dolls for ages 13 and up, but you know, that was easy and you didn't even notice. and it's fine that you take M to the farmer's market under the guise of buying veggies and load her up with cookies and cake. i get it. she begs and you cave. perfectly understandable, she's a manipulative little bugger. and it's fine that you took her out shopping and bought her a gigantic stuffed horse that will never again be touched and will take up about 1/4 of our small home. i get that too. you love her and you can't help yourself. and i even understand that you don't listen when we talk to you, that you are too vain to get a hearing aid and are most certainly almost deaf. i can't leave you alone with her for too long because of it but hey, get a hearing aid and let's rock. no problem. until then we'll just yell all weekend. i mean it, i can live with that.

but then as we were getting ready to take you to the airport after a long weekend, that moment when you leaned close and said i have a confession to make and you tell me that somehow on your walk today you lost her favorite possession in the entire world, her baby blanket that's been here since the beginning, the one she can't sleep without and has never parted her sweet little grip from for more than a few hours, the one that goes everywhere with us all the time, and that it's lost and you have no idea where it went?

well, buddy, you crossed a line there. some things are wrong. just plain wrong. so you just go and get on your little airplane and fly back to your little office and your little fancy car where no one will be crying their eyes out for hours plaintively crying blankie, my blankie. don't worry about me sitting here awake all night consoling a broken hearted child over her great loss. in fact, don't give it a second thought, gramps. we're cool. really. we are cool.

and to his annoyingly existentially minded son who casually said that this is a good lesson, that nothing is permanent and the sooner she learns that the better? you can take your Kierkegaard and shove it up your Nietzsche, buddy. Who's crying now?

i've got a new review up on a way to get yourself organized. i can't claim that it worked too well for me but i vouch for that being 7 parts user error, 2 parts small family and 1 part control freak.

running for the shelter of her non-mother's little helpers

My 800' house is slowing sinking into it's foundation. My parents left 3 days ago, incidentally the SAME DAY as J's mother flew in to town for 8 days. That's almost three weeks of in-laws. And J's mom is nuts (Go on, I'll wait. It's worth the click).

I am not complaining, I love M's time with her grandparents and since none of them live nearby it's a rare occurrence. But I am often left perplexed. Like how it's cute and fun to take M out for junk food even when we have made it clear that is something we do not want them to do. Or how Nana taught M to yell I am a famous movie star whenever she walks into the room. Or when I walk into the room and catch M trying to hide cookie contraband while they both laugh in conspiracy as M yells "Mama, NO. Back. Kitchen. GO!" The kitchen part was an especially nice touch, kid. At least you know my place.

So my overly indulged and sugar dosed child is feeling mighty full of herself lately. All her whims are responded to and captured on film. Every desire of her wee heart is met with eager anticipation. The universe has aligned itself to revolve around her single glowing star. Back talking? No problem, it must mean she's a genius. Time outs? Unheard of, no way, uh uh.

You people are setting me way back. Way back. At least we've taken liberal advantage of the free babysitting and have seen 4 movies plus spent a night in a hotel.

I had the chance to spend a moment or two alone with my child tonight and while she kicked and said "Nana do, Nana do" as I tried to change her diaper, I seized the moment and leaned down and said dude, you are SO screwed on Friday. The world according to M comes to a screeching halt when Nana gets on that plane. Then it's back to mommy and daddy. And we're on to you, buddy.

To which she jumped up, cackled, and ran back into the overzealous and boundary-less arms of her Nana, and as she wrapped her arms around her neck, she coyly looked over at me and said mefamuusmoveestarrrrrr!!

Game on, kid.

Don't forget to nominate someone for a Just Post Award. All the cool kids are doing it.

sole-less

Having your parents in your 800' house for an entire week teaches you many things. Least of which is discovering that you've continued to allow your kid to wear shoes 1 and 1/2 sizes too small for god knows how long. While I admit that I haven't noticed and have no idea how long this has been an issue, I guess I'd previously relied on the kid in question to alert me. (Perhaps all that falling down might have been an indicator?) It also means grandma bought the kid a new pair of shoes. Being a neglectful mother has it's perks.

So I was going through M's shoes this AM and she is convulsing on the floor in full throttle whine as I tried to weed out the other supposedly too small shoes, including a pair of velvet pink and purple fake-Chucks (which are pure money, by the way)

I took several pairs (unable to give up the stronghold on the fake-chucks) and put them all in a bag, and tried to explain to M that I was going to take them to share with other girls who need shoes of their own.

She looked at me mid-wail (one of my favorite things about her is that she can stop wailing on a dime), and said girlsnoshoes? Yes baby, some girls have no shoes. Do you mind if we share yours with them? Okkayymommy. And then her mighty preciousness took off her socks and put them in the bag girlsnosockstoooo okmommee?

Yes, baby, we can share those too.